There was a time when my day’s outcome, good or bad, depended on how my sons were doing. As I drove home from work, I’d come around the bend and the voices in my head would shift from obsessive work related issues to my family’s situation. I’d start guessing about the daily drama, possible outcomes, and strategies I must take. I usually had a feeling of dread and impending doom – if they were doing well, I’d find temporary relief. If they were not doing well, my feelings of resentment and constant worry would take center stage. Then, in preparation for a good nights’ sleep, the gears in my mind would churn great sadness and an overwhelming desire to go back in time and change the course of the future. If only I had done something sooner, if only I had changed schools, if only I had …I was possessed by the loud click-clack-clang in my head!
Today I no longer dwell on would haves or could haves. I have freedom from compulsive thoughts of possible outcomes dreamt up in my head. One thing is certain, all that mindless matter never helped and mostly it hurt. When I accepted that I did not cause the disease of addiction, I could not control it, and I could not cure it – those feelings became false and the thoughts began to dissipate. There is something to be said about embracing each day and staying in the present. Today, I do not have to project about tomorrow or next week. Today, I do not have to re-live days gone by, or wish them different. I work on what’s in front of me today, one day at a time, and it quiets my thoughts. My day’s outcome, good or bad depends on me. I can choose my attitude - do I want click-clack-clang or a well lubricated mechanism driving my thoughts?