It struck me the other day that there is a very fine line between being mad at our kids and going mad over our kids. At one end of the continuum, we’ve got anger; at the other, insanity. That realization got me thinking about the word “mad” and how it can represent the full spectrum of parental experience. To wit:
- I’m madly in love with you.
- I’m mad at you.
- I’m mad as hell and not going to take it anymore! (Al-Anon calls this detachment. In the ideal world, this would be tempered with love)
- Stop the madness.
- I’ve gone mad!
We’ve all seen how our incessant anger at teen addiction can percolate into an uncontrollable obsession that commandeers our lives. I reached that point when my doctor asked me how I was doing, and I reported on my son’s travails instead. Like a deer in the headlights, I froze when she reminded me that I was not my child. I was so enmeshed in his wellness and illness that it had become my own.
Saying “No” to madness can mean the difference between getting off the ledge or going over the edge. How do we separate from our children when their substance abuse has hijacked our brains? How do we stop the madness and detach with love? Readers, please share comments on this important topic.
Perfect timing for me but no helpful insights because I’m only 15 or so days into this new reality. Yes, I’m angry (getting past shock into anger…) and today I arrived at: I hate the addict (for what he’s done in pursuit of substances, details not important) but I love my son. Feels like a teeter totter hanging over a canyon … hoping to gain insights from others as reality marches on. As for the brain, it’s chewing so hard on new information that it’s difficult to focus, much less accomplish, work responsibilities or remember where I was headed five minutes ago. Thanks for the very timely question.
I know what a shocking, difficult time this must be for you. There is so much information to digest, plus.so much disappointment, anger, fear and every other emotion that a worried parent could feel. Keep learning as much as you can about addiction and alcoholism, which are two sides of the same coin. With knowledge comes power. Look at our recommended reading list and submit any questions to our panel of experts who are ready to help. Finally, find a local or on-line Al-Anon meeting. Substance abuse impacts the entire family, and it is important for you to develop a broad network of wisdom and support. Down the road, consider using our Meetings in a Box to help you make way through the areas where you are stuck. We are here for you–best wishes.
I don’t know how to detach, period. With or without love. My son has been immature and ‘needy’ since he was in Kindergarten. His teacher told me he was very immature for his age and didn’t respond in certain situations, like all the other kids did. Well, I just made sure he practiced responding in the ‘correct’ way and I have been ‘helping’ him ever since. I wish to hell I could get off this mad merry-go-round but, I realize I am as in it as deep as he is. I continue to rescue him from his choices while my own life goes down the drain, or over the edge, as the case may be.
Thank you so much for your comment. A parents Al-Anon meeting would offer you great support and role models as you learn how to let your son make his own way in the world. When he experiences the consequences of his choices, he will (hopefully) learn to make better ones. And you will gain the time and space to focus on your life, which is really the only one that you can control.