When a child is in the throes of addiction, Mom or Dad often becomes the punching bag, figuratively and sometimes even literally. They yell at us when they get in trouble, they blame us for their mistakes. “It’s all your fault!” is a common refrain in the homes of addicts and alcoholics. As a very backhanded compliment, young addicts tend to lash out and blame the parent who is the safest, the softest, and the most tolerant. They may also blame and attack the parent they feel they have disappointed the most, as that sense of failure creates overwhelming, explosive anxiety.
So what do you do when your child is imploding in your face? While it’s natural to get defensive and leap right into a yelling match, instead just “spit out the hook,” as they say. When your child rants and raves, just say “Oh” instead of defending your decisions or actions, or trying to reason with an unreasonable person.
It helps to have some tools at your fingertips to disengage. Learn how to say, “Oh” instead of trying to arm wrestle with an agitated child. Learn that you don’t have to say anything at all. Know that you don’t even need to be there. And your child loses the right to be in your presence if they become verbally or physically abusive. It’s time to take care of ourselves, and maybe–just maybe–that will help turn their tide of anger and lashing out.
Practice saying “Oh” so that it comes naturally under pressure, or just walk away altogether. You don’t need to stick around and take the abuse, which becomes like gasoline on a fire. It is so hard to not take the bait, but it’s harder to stop the confrontation before it starts.
And remember, you didn’t cause the addiction, and you aren’t responsible for solving the problems the addict creates.
A while ago, I read about a book called “Dear Me, a Letter to my 16-Year Old Self.”
“This is all you have. This is not a dry run. This is your life. If you want to fritter it away with your fears, then you will fritter it away, but you won’t get it back later.
At the peak of a child’s chemical dependency, one of my friends and her husband bought a camper so they could retreat into the wild and walk on pine needles instead of eggshells. Other friends have kicked their kids out of their homes but permitted them to sleep in the yard or in the garage, a safe outpost that (in theory) spares the rest of the home from the insanity. A mom friend asked me if she should move away from her family’s hometown with her daughter in tow after her daughter left rehab. Or maybe she should send her daughter away instead?
“Sometimes, mothers say and do things that seem like they don’t want their kids… but when you look more closely, you realize that they’re doing those kids a favor. They’re just trying to give them a better life.”
While waiting at the vet one day, I picked up an enlightening book called What Dogs Teach Us: Life’s Lessons Learned from Our Best Friends by Glen Dromgoole. I skimmed through the book and found that many of these life lessons apply to man and beast alike. Consider:
Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation………Forgiveness does not excuse anything………You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. ”
Working the steps has offered powerful tools against addiction or alcoholism ever since they were invented by Bill Wilson more than 60 years ago. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can also be a powerful ally in the quest for recovery. Turns out, “
A child’s chemical dependency can give birth to tremendous disappointment.
“I know there is strength in the differences between us. I know there is comfort, where we overlap.”
Follow Us!
Follow Us!