May242013

Mothering Rhymes With Smothering

I’m one of those people who struggle with remembering names.  I learned in a sales class that using an association with the name helps in recall.  For example, I’m introduced to Betty.  She has dark, jet black/blue hair.  I think of Archie Comic Books, Veronica & Betty.  Betty has Veronica’s hair!  This amount of time devoted to remembering Betty has only been a few seconds but is somehow lodged in my brain to not forget Jet Black/Blue Hair Betty. 

Association comes in handy on other areas of my life, especially when my fears and concerns about my adult children take over my thoughts.  These thoughts tend to be negative and are always masked under the cloak of good mothering.  I will forget all that I’ve learned about my stinking thinking.  I find myself worrying and wondering if he is cold, alone, hungry, hurt and a host of other terrible things.  And to add injury, I’ll invite responses to vindicate my negative concerns.  I may resort to rescuing and have completely relapsed into codependency.  Such behavior is odd when seen from the outside, but for those of us who have a child struggle in addiction or alcoholism; this is how we roll.  And it is here I’m triggered to ask myself if I’m doing anyone any good, especially for myself.  I’m acting out of self preservation from fear, not the supportive and accepting, loving mother I strive to be.  What am I forgetting?

 Mothering rhymes with smothering.  

My fears and worries turn mothering into smothering.   I don’t want to suffocate anyone.  I’m not proud to add guilt to someone’s low self esteem and today I have tools to help me navigate out of my own stinking thinking. 

May222013

The Missing Chapter in the Parenting Book

A while ago, I read about a book called “Dear Me, a Letter to my 16-Year Old Self.”  Amazon describes the book like this:  “In Dear Me, 75 celebrities, writers, musicians, athletes, and actors have written letters to their younger selves that give words of comfort, warning, humor, and advice. These letters present intimate, moving, and witty insights into some of the world’s most intriguing and admired individuals. By turns funny, surprising, raw, and uplifting, this singular collection captures the universal conditions that are youth, life, and growing up.

It got me thinking—what would I say to my thirty-year old self as I launched my ship into the seas of parenthood?  Maybe something like this…. “Dear Me: As you welcome your first child into the world, the good news is that you are embarking on a wonderful journey of discovery. The bad news is that you don’t get a map of any sort, beyond the wisdom offered by Dr. Spock.  And he doesn’t cover teen substance abuse.  So here is a list of tips to make the sailing smoother:

·         Be clear on your expectations and stick with consequences.

·         No matter what your kids do or don’t do, treat them with love and respect.

·         No matter what you do or don’t do, treat yourself with love and respect.

·         Holding on to past hurts only prolongs the suffering

·         Forgive yourself and others.

·         Know that you did the best job you could do at the time.

Well, that’s a start.  Looking back, what pearls of wisdom would you offer yourself (and others) who have journeyed through the Land of Addiction?

May192013

Sunday Inspiration

“This is all you have. This is not a dry run. This is your life. If you want to fritter it away with your fears, then you will fritter it away, but you won’t get it back later.

-Laura Schlessinger

May182013

Where ever you go, you are there (along with addiction)

At the peak of a child’s chemical dependency, one of my friends and her husband bought a camper so they could retreat into the wild and walk on pine needles instead of eggshells.  Other friends have kicked their kids out of their homes but permitted them to sleep in the yard or in the garage, a safe outpost that (in theory) spares the rest of the home from the insanity.  A mom friend asked me if she should move away from her family’s hometown with her daughter in tow after her daughter left rehab. Or maybe she should send her daughter away instead?   I wondered the same thing myself.

One year, I wouldn’t permit my son into our home when we were vacationing overseas, so he spent one Christmas Eve in the Hotel Honda in our driveway.   Was he in my home?  No.  Was he in my head?  Yes. So moving away from our home or travelling overseas didn’t solve the problem, which wasn’t my son.  It was me.

That’s because, as the saying goes, “Wherever you go, you are there.”  In other words, I bring my baggage along with me. At my darkest hour, I was at least as wedded to my child’s addiction as he was, and I could never leave it behind no matter where I went.  It colored all I saw and did, and I missed out on a lot…all for what??  My incessant obsession did nothing to help him get sober–it only tortured me.

If I have to lug something along with me, why not make it a dream instead of a demon?  Why not choose faith over fear?  We get to pack the baggage in our lives; let’s choose something that will nourish us, rather than deplete us, as we travel down this road called Life.

May172013

The physical symptoms of loving someone in addiction

Headaches, indigestion, stomach aches, sweaty palms, sleep difficulties, back and neck pain, racing heart, restlessness, tiredness, ringing in the ears, dizziness, skin rash, increased allergies, frequent colds, and more I can’t think of at this moment. These physical symptoms were all typical for me at the summit of trying to manage my son’s progressive drug addiction. These warning signs were only vindicated by my current drama event of the day; I became more obsessed with his disease, wanting him to change, urging him to get recovery, pleading for his sobriety, believing that if he’d do what I wanted him to do, I would also get better. To exasperate matters, I would take sleep aids, buy skin ointment, or treat myself to a massage believing this would fix my ailments. All the while, never quite understanding, I was merely affixing a Band-Aid to a severed artery. The underlying issues of my physical symptoms required a drastic 360 degree turn-a-round in the way I was living life. I didn’t go to a doctor because I was tired from last night’s restless sleep. I went because of three, four, five years of continuous symptoms from something that progressed beyond my understanding. Other “stressors” became unmanageable. What used to be easy; work related challenges, staff interactions, management meetings, and interpersonal relationships, all became monumental. All facets of my life were impacted. Loving someone in addiction would require drastic measures and a new way of living. This became possible, but change didn’t happen overnight, and my health would not bounce back in a day or two. There is hope, help and a light at the end of this dark tunnel – it required effort on my part, it began not with him changing, but with me.

May142013

First you Think, Then you Feel

The Power of my thoughts can change the way I act. Thoughts drive symptoms. For me, symptoms were anxious feelings. I was fearful that any one of my sons may at any point in time fall into serious consequences. I had obsessive thoughts and continual replay of past events when I may have had a better influence on them. This kept me longing for things I could not have back. Everything in my life was drama. Living with active addiction creates mayhem. Then my thoughts turned to physical symptoms: Panic attacks, blood pressure; an altered immune system that, if left untreated, would leave me in medical crises.

It used to bother me when the doctor would say my problem was stress. I felt it was a cop-out.  What I did not know is that stress is not reality; stress is how my mind reacts to the reality around it. The old adage  “things upset me” versus “I upset me” point of view. But then my mind would say, “my son’s drug problem upsets me, and when he gets better, I won’t have stress anymore.” This type of thinking did not help me or my son in anyway. It kept me in a circular self-defeating mind set.

Sometimes change is forced on us. It wasn’t like I made a conscience effort to seek help for myself, I stumbled on the notion I needed help while searching for help for my sons. I had to experience desperation which opened up a willingness to try a new way to manage an old problem. The disease of addiction is progressive as were my negative thoughts. My symptoms became greater than my desire to maintain familiar tactics.  It was this force, greater than me, that propelled me to change.  I just wanted to feel better.   I think I will.

May122013

Sunday Inspiration

“Sometimes, mothers say and do things that seem like they don’t want their kids… but when you look more closely, you realize that they’re doing those kids a favor. They’re just trying to give them a better life.”

Jodi Picoult, Handle With Care

May112013

What Dogs Can Teach Parents of Addicts and Alcoholics

While waiting at the vet one day, I picked up an enlightening book called What Dogs Teach Us:  Life’s Lessons Learned from Our Best Friends by Glen Dromgoole.  I skimmed through the book and found that many of these life lessons apply to man and beast alike.  Consider:

  • “Appreciate the preciousness of life.”  Addiction gives us an ongoing opportunity to practice this concept, trying to find the rainbow in the storm clouds.  As they say, practice makes perfect.  Keep looking for that rainbow to appear.
  • “Good behavior should be reinforced with complements or rewards.” My natural instinct as a co-dependent worrier is to get stressed and cranky.  Thanks to addiction, I’ve come to learn the futility of worry.  When worry bubbles up in my mind, I now try to wrestle it to the ground. Why should I let worry call the shots in my life?   I can be happier when I focus on the positive, and the people around me are happier because I am less preoccupied, maybe even more pleasant.. Win/win.
  • “Sassing back can make things worse.”  That goes both ways—you sass me/ I sass you, and we both lose.  The Al-Anon equivalent of this statement is “Spit out the hook” or “You don’t have to attend every fight you are invited to.”
  • “Run to the rescue of people in trouble.”  Uh oh. Maybe this natural instinct of mine wouldn’t be so problematic if I were Lassie or Rin Tin Tin, but rescuing people is bad for me and bad for them. This adage is healthy only if you are a dog or a paramedic.
  • “Co-dependency is OK as long as one of you has four legs.”  Amen to that!
  • And finally…“Take time to enjoy the smells and sounds and sights around us.” Life is short. If we mire ourselves in fruitless preoccupations about our loved one’s addictions, then our very own lives go passing by while we are looking the other way.
May102013

Dangerous Tools that Fuels Co-Dependent Behavior – Why?

Years ago, when my control and need to know everything mentality was at its peak, the *69 feature on the telephone became a dangerous tool for further pursuit of things to add to my world of loose ends.  I was empowered to be an assertive investigator.   I was enabled to seek out who called for what reason and why did they not leave a voice mail.  Moreover, if the phone rang and I answered, the sound of the “click” provoked me to question WHO HUNG ON ME?  The feeling of empowerment – To be able to press those three keys and ring back the unknown caller back was a rush of adrenaline.  They would pick up and I’d say “you just called my number,” forcing a response on the other end.  The sound of their voice was already a piece of the puzzle.  Male?  Female?  Young?  Old? Why did they call my number?   The fact they called must be indicative of something…  Why?  Why?  Why?  Star 69 and later technology could be abused for the wrong reasons.  My need to know WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN WHY seemed important back when the addiction family disease of secrets was fermenting.  But in reality this underlying need to know was a symptom of my infinite desire to be in control of matters I may not be aware of and often powerless over.  Today it seems clear and obvious.  If someone is reaching me, they will leave a message or call back later.  I can let go with that knowledge and not pursue it to the depths of insanity.  I don’t have to obsess on things that are not my business anymore.  ”Why” is a question no longer the center stage of my life.

May092013

The Power of the Non- Answer to Help others Solve their own Problems

Sometimes not giving an answer or advice is the best thing to ‘not’ do. It is always so tempting to jump in with ways to solve problems and help our friends and family. And sometimes that is the right thing to do. But in some situations, sitting back and letting our loved one traverse the maze of their decisions is an opportunity for growth. My son came to me with a concern that he had. It wasn’t major, but it was troubling him. In the past I would have jumped into action with solutions, or worse, distractions so he wouldn’t feel the pain of the situation. As a co-dependent, I don’t like others to feel bad. But I’ve learned that it isn’t my business to manage other people’s feelings. So when my son plopped down in the chair across from me, I just sat and listened. I asked some questions to help him think through various alternatives he could consider. But I tried my best not to tell him what to do or distract him by changing the topic. I know my place is to be there to support him and coach him, but not direct and manage him. By staying clear of these I allow him to learn and grow.

 
I also know that in the past when my daughter would come to me in a crisis, I learned not to react. This was not easy in the beginning; I didn’t always realize what was taking place. But over time I realized that her problems became my problems when I jumped into action and alleviated her of the consequences. I had been given advice once that if you let 24 hours pass by, many times the loved one would either solve the issue or the crisis would diminish. How true this is! I learned to sit and be patience and trust in the capabilities of those who created the dilemma in the first place.