Jan272012

ENABLING OR HELPING? How do I know?

By My3Sunz on January 27, 2012

I find the distinction between enabling versus helping difficult – especially in the heat of addictive behavior. You are witnessing your self-destructive child, no matter how old, and there is nothing more frightening. I wanted to definitely stop enabling because I realized I was helping further addict/alcoholic destruction.  But how?  It got to the point where I was paralyzed – I could not do anything, fearing I was enabling. This, it turns out, was OK because I could begin to identify what I was willing to do in support of RECOVERY.  A baby step measurement, or boundary, of acceptable “helping.” Gradually I came to realize the difference and found key points that help me balance ever-changing situations because I often fall back to old ways.

  • Addicts lie – If their lips are moving, they are lying, so asking them why they are out of money or lost the job or in a crisis will satisfy our own behavior problem: Denial, which encourages enabling.
  • Co-Dependents don’t see the situation clearly and tend to use speech versus behavior as our road map. I can easily justify “giving” as “helping” because I believe what the addict tells me.
  • Is there an ulterior motive behind my wanting to help? Often I catch myself “helping” with an expectation in mind. I have control issues too.
  • Did they ask? I am often quick to jump in and offer something – without even being asked. I know this is usually enable-based behavior because I’m feeling un-easy.
  • Help, if unconditional, feels better than enabling. Sounds simple but it’s not. Helping support recovery doesn’t necessarily mean one gets RECOVERED.
  • I don’t have to answer a request, or do anything right away. BUY TIME!

Lastly, my greatest lesson of all: there are other co-dependents out there. Just because I stop enabling, many will pick up where I left off. That’s OK. I accept that I am powerless in other people’s matters.

 

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Jan252012

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

By Eliza on January 25, 2012

When your son or daughter is addicted, the entire family dynamic can spin out of balance. Consider these scenarios:

You ignore your child’s bizarre or irresponsible behavior, rather than poke a stick in the hornet’s nest.  Quite simply, it is so much easier to walk away than provoke their anger or cause a scene.  In the meantime, the rest of the family bears the burden of their irresponsibility, especially the “good” siblings who often have to clean up the addict’s mess.  I remember getting angry at my sober son for not intervening when his sibling was veering out of control.  How fair was that??  So the “good” kid  bears the blame for a sibling’s irresponsible behavior, while the addict skates off scot-free.

Your family events hang in limbo because you never know who will show up for the holiday dinner or other celebration.  Will it be the delightful daughter or the snarling son?  The success of the gathering hangs in the balance, dependent upon a single person’s ability to throw everything out of whack.

Your need to be vigilant and keep an explanation in your back pocket to explain your child’s absence or foul mood.  “He’s got the flu” or “She got called into work at the last minute.”  Saving face requires a Herculean effort. We all pay a price for these exhausting balancing acts and charades. They deplete us while protecting the addict from the consequence of their poor choices.

What is harder?  Maintaining your balance while walking on eggshells or revealing to others that you are struggling with a serious problem? Where have you found the strength to take different actions and restore your family to equilibrium?

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Jan242012

I am cleverly disguised…

By My3Sunz on January 24, 2012

I am so fortunate to have XM radio, and sometimes catch Oprah Winfrey’s Lifeclass. The other day I was listening to her with her guest, Iyanla Vanzant. I later found that the Oprah Lifeclass sessions are on her website and televised station OWN. (To learn more about Lifeclass, click here)

Iyanla Vanzant, an inspirational and new thought spiritual teacher, is such a kick and is always giving out little one-liners that provoke me to think! She’d discuss how Deceptive Intelligence keeps us from spiritual growth and screamed to the viewer: “RE-LANGUAGE!” Make no mistake, re-language was an aggressive verb, a call to action! I applied it to my own experience of codependency with young adult children in addiction:

DECEPTIVE INTELLIGENCE: I had to kick my kids out of my home. This is so dramatic and feeds the guilt I held for experiencing a scenario I wished did not have to happen. I took on responsibility, as if I could have done something else to minimize the impact. RE-LANGUAGE: My kids chose not to live by my boundaries, so they left.

DECEPTIVE INTELLIGENCE: If I let go, they might fail, get arrested, go to jail. There is a dangerous side effect when I think I know outcomes, especially if I believe I can orchestrate the future – Guilt, Disappointment, Denial, Shame. RE-LANGUAGE: I can’t control the choices my kids make, but they have a right to make them, even if I don’t agree with it.

DECEPTIVE INTELLIGENCE: His girlfriend introduced him to drugs, I blame her. RE-LANGUAGE: She is a child of God, cleverly disguised as a drug addict (another gem from Iyanla).

DECEPTIVE INTELLIGENCE: When I figure out recovery, I’ll be able to show them how to do it! I believed this to the core. So my early help seeking behavior had an end game! I’d pick up a speaker CD from an AA or recovered Drug Addict, and I’d strategize how my sons could listen to it. If they just listened, then …. I was still thinking what I was doing in Al-Anon would help me to the solution for me my kids. I was still trying to control it. Oh, yeah, definately Deceptive Thinking! RE-LANGUAGE: My children will get recovery when they are ready, on their own, in HIS time, and I’m not in charge. I’m just a child of God,  cleverly disguised as a know it all!

 

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Jan232012

Dust and Commotion with no Forward Motion

By MomShiningLight on January 23, 2012

Have you ever experienced a lot of activity and talk, usually coupled with anxiety and stress, but not coupled with solutions and action? The other day I heard this comment, ‘dust and commotion with no forward motion.’ It stopped me in my tracks, first I laughed at the image in my mind of a bunch of dust swirling around with who knows what debris, then settling into a pile of dirt. The dirt may be yearning to be swept away to the next step in its journey alas it just sits. When I took time to contemplate this metaphor further, which was used to describe a typical family gathering where everyone vents and complains but no action takes place; I realized the applicability to addiction as it applies to the family. We often talk about the insanity that the disease of addiction brings to our families. We know it does not just affect the one struggling with the addiction; it affects the entire family as well as friends who love and care about the addict.
I thought of how early in my daughter’s addiction we had a lot of drama but we did not know what to do. We were the dust and the drama was the commotion, and I can reassure you that there was absolutely no forward motion. We would have the crisis of the day but we did not know what to do. It was a very difficult time. We engaged in the commotion as if we were the ones who had to solve every crisis and problem that came to our loved one in addiction. And while we were there to help and support, we still inadvertently contributed to the commotion and the lack of forward motion by enabling and rescuing which taught our loved one that she was not capable to solve her own problems. Eventually we learned that it wasn’t up to us to ensure things moved forward and in fact our actions sometimes stopped the forward progress. For today I will decide to not engage in the dust and commotion because I know that it will hinder the forward motion!

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Jan222012

Sunday Inspiration

By Eliza on January 22, 2012

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear–not absence of fear.”

- Mark Twain


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Jan212012

Hopes and dreams

By Eliza on January 21, 2012

I recently unearthed a stuffed animal that I bought 26 years ago at Disney World when I was pregnant with my first child.  A purple T Rex, I named him “Figment,” as in “Figment of my imagination.”  Figment represented the imaginations, hopes and dreams that I had for my first-borne as I pondered what would he or she be like and how starting a family would change my world.

What hopes and dreams did I hold for Child #1 and possible successors? Certainly “ten fingers and ten toes” and “happy” were high on the list.  Boy or girl didn’t matter….I didn’t even want to know their sex until they arrived.  But one thing is for certain:  “Become addicted to prescription drugs” was most assuredly NOT on the list.

How little influence I have over the way my list panned out—or not.  Ten fingers and ten toes wasn’t up to me.  My chidren’s gender wasn’t my call, nor was the temperament they were born with. And the choices they have made are theirs, not mine.

Sometimes I get frustrated as I sit on the sidelines of my children’s lives. I worry if I spot a bad mood coming….is that a storm cloud of possible relapse?  I am concerned about decisions they make that seem ill-conceived or simply bad.  I worry when I think that their actions or choices could backfire and hurt them.  I recognize that I have some very crippling, fundamental fears about their health and safety.  So who has a problem here?   Me.

While the Mama Bear protective instinct never disappears, I need to constantly remind myself that my loved ones need to deal with the hand they are dealt.  My worry can’t protect them, and it only punishes me.


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Jan202012

Out of my mind – Back in five minutes

By My3Sunz on January 20, 2012

My Mind can be dangerous. All of a sudden, I’m enveloped in doubt and self-centered thinking. A slight comment, no response, snippy, or quiet behavior from a loved one and I immediately think it’s about me. Something I’ve done, something I did not do – a misinterpretation, maybe I said something offensive, rude or worse, I let them down. Before Al-Anon, my mind was often out “ there .”

In recovery, I began to accept my powerlessness over the addict and that transitioned to powerlessness over other people. Powerless, but not helpless, I do have the ability to break through my mental wall! There is a calming sense of relief if I lean into the fear. I say fear because I’m afraid of the unknown, being hurt, hearing truth, embarrassment, humility, or scenes created. To lean into the fear, I face the opposition (my mind) and address my concern with the help of my Al-Anon program and friends in recovery. Taking the offense, I have options and relief. Doing nothing only fuels doubt and self-deprecating behavior. Offense action points 1-5:

  1.  Call my Sponsor
  2. Turn it over to my Higher Power and ask for guidance
  3. Think good thoughts / pray for them
  4. Reach out and be prepared to LISTEN. THINK. WAIT. I’ve been thinking about you and wanted to say hello…You seem quiet…Are we OK? I sensed a problem when we discussed “x”.
  5. Amends

Rarely am I the cause of the concern I observed, so offense action points 1 – 4 will relieve me of uncertainty. I’m reminded that people have ups and downs. In the past, I took accountability for other people’s emotional well-being and behavior. That did not work so well. Sometimes I was blamed. It’s easy to blame someone else for the lousy way I feel – been there done that!

Whoops! I’m not perfect! In fact, I am quite capable of hurting another person with words or actions. Knowing that I have done this and not addressing it, will only fuel my unease about myself.  In recovery, I’m committed to being the best that I can be.  I can review my inventory, and recognize if I was acting respectfully, kind and loving. If not, my offense action includes point 5: amends.

 

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Jan192012

Can I stop being a parent now?

By MomShiningLight on January 19, 2012

This thought popped into my head the other day – can I just stop being a parent now? I realized I was tired of the worry, anticipation, preoccupation, projection, I could go on. But the bottom line is that I just felt a bit exhausted. So I really started to contemplate, is there a time when I can just say ‘I’m done’ or ‘I don’t want the job anymore.’ Then the more I thought about it I realized that what was troubling me wasn’t my kids or their actions it was all my rampant expectations that they were either not meeting or may never meet. I think as parents when our kids were young or in their teens we all had this daydream that when they became adults we could quit fretting over their every move. Ha! That is so far from the truth! It seems to me my fretting is about much bigger things – will they be able to get a decent job and earn a living? Will they meet someone who is a good partner in life and be happy? I could list many of these thoughts.
My conclusion is that I don’t need to stop being a parent; I just need to stop fretting! Wow, what a relief when I came to this conclusion. It isn’t being a parent or what my kids do or do not do, it’s me and how I move through life. This falls into the category of ‘there is good news and bad news…’ The good news is that it’s not my kids, the bad news is, it’s me! So what do I do with this! I need to turn my expectations and projections about what is going on with my kids off, completely. Certainly I still have the role of support and coach with my adult children and I realize that will most likely always be the case. That is if I’m lucky and they want my advice of course. What I don’t need to do is spend my energy stressing or obsessing about what they are doing or what might happen in the future. This as we know is easier said than done. In the past when I was obsessing about my daughter’s addiction, I decided to replace my thoughts with a mantra. In the worst of times I used the serenity prayer as my mantra which is ‘God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.’ This would help me focus on the right thoughts about what I could control and leave behind what I could not. My obsessing lately is not as desperate but still robbing me of my serenity. Whatever mantra you choose, it is helpful to have it handy in your mind and draw on it to distract yourself from unnecessary worry. It may not solve problems but it will help to restore your serenity and peace of mind, if even just for the moment.

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Jan182012

The Heart Strings of Teen Substance Abuse

By Eliza on January 18, 2012

In many cultures, mother and child are seen as forever linked by a string that binds them through eternity, a perpetual umbilical cord of sorts.  As a mother, I know that heart connection with my son. I feel his joys and sorrows, I sense his fears.  I take pride in his accomplishments. I have hopes for his happiness and fulfillment. And sometimes I even do his worrying for him, pretty well, I might add.

These vicarious expressions of joy and concern are natural and healthy, if kept in check.  But becoming all-consumed with my son’s affairs is dangerous, and it is telling.  While I may delude myself into believing that I can control or cure his addiction, the reality is that I am not that powerful. I didn’t make him an addict, and I can’t break him of his addiction.  Obsessing over my son also reveals my lack of faith in his ability to create his own destiny.  It speaks of my lack of faith in power greater than me or us.

So what’s a mother to do with the pressing urge to manage and obsess over her child? Another parent gently reminded me that, “Before your child was in your hands, he was in God’s hands.”    With this wisdom in mind, I can imagine my son as a kite soaring freely through the sky while I hold tightly to the string.   And that imagination is freeing to both of us.

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Jan172012

Another perspective on the family disease concept

By My3Sunz on January 17, 2012

When I first heard that alcoholism is a family disease, I balked at that notion. I did not consider how all my thoughts and energy fields were directed on them: to get them to stop, to get them to see the light, to rescue or make excuses for them. I did not see my behavior at all – after all,they were the ones with the problem, not me! I might admit my stress level increased, but I’d justify: “you’d be worried too if your kid was struggling!”

After I joined the Al-Anon family groups and started working the steps, I began to see how my actions, my feelings, my health and well-being were directly proportional to the degree of involvement with trying to control the addict. As the disease progressed, my obsessions increased and I started showing physical symptoms from the stress. One night I listened to an Alateen share her story. She shared how awful it was to see her mother spend all her waking moments worried about her sister. It seemed all her mother did was focus on the sister; wonder and wish she’d get better, always talk about her, often sad about her, …and if her sister was doing well, her mom’s attitude was better. The Speaker was learning to please her mom by being the “good daughter.” She believed that she herself could somehow make mom happy. When that didn’t work, she lost all sense of self-worth. The frustration she felt with her mom often made her angry. She wanted to scream “what about me?!! I’m here and I’m doing all the right things”! Then the notion that she could somehow control her addict sister in attempt to “smooth things over” in the family soon became her new obsession.

Hearing her story put things in perspective.  In many ways I related.  I was able to look at how my behavior towards the “problem” might have affected other family members and friends who cared about me. Was I so preoccupied that I closed them out? I was seeing proof from others who shared their experience. There is a commonality of the symptoms. With proof I no longer had doubt about this being a family disease.

 

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