I’m one of those people who struggle with remembering names. I learned in a sales class that using an association with the name helps in recall. For example, I’m introduced to Betty. She has dark, jet black/blue hair. I think of Archie Comic Books, Veronica & Betty. Betty has Veronica’s hair! This amount of time devoted to remembering Betty has only been a few seconds but is somehow lodged in my brain to not forget Jet Black/Blue Hair Betty.
Association comes in handy on other areas of my life, especially when my fears and concerns about my adult children take over my thoughts. These thoughts tend to be negative and are always masked under the cloak of good mothering. I will forget all that I’ve learned about my stinking thinking. I find myself worrying and wondering if he is cold, alone, hungry, hurt and a host of other terrible things. And to add injury, I’ll invite responses to vindicate my negative concerns. I may resort to rescuing and have completely relapsed into codependency. Such behavior is odd when seen from the outside, but for those of us who have a child struggle in addiction or alcoholism; this is how we roll. And it is here I’m triggered to ask myself if I’m doing anyone any good, especially for myself. I’m acting out of self preservation from fear, not the supportive and accepting, loving mother I strive to be. What am I forgetting?
Mothering rhymes with smothering.
My fears and worries turn mothering into smothering. I don’t want to suffocate anyone. I’m not proud to add guilt to someone’s low self esteem and today I have tools to help me navigate out of my own stinking thinking.
A while ago, I read about a book called “Dear Me, a Letter to my 16-Year Old Self.”
“This is all you have. This is not a dry run. This is your life. If you want to fritter it away with your fears, then you will fritter it away, but you won’t get it back later.
At the peak of a child’s chemical dependency, one of my friends and her husband bought a camper so they could retreat into the wild and walk on pine needles instead of eggshells. Other friends have kicked their kids out of their homes but permitted them to sleep in the yard or in the garage, a safe outpost that (in theory) spares the rest of the home from the insanity. A mom friend asked me if she should move away from her family’s hometown with her daughter in tow after her daughter left rehab. Or maybe she should send her daughter away instead?
“Sometimes, mothers say and do things that seem like they don’t want their kids… but when you look more closely, you realize that they’re doing those kids a favor. They’re just trying to give them a better life.”
While waiting at the vet one day, I picked up an enlightening book called What Dogs Teach Us: Life’s Lessons Learned from Our Best Friends by Glen Dromgoole. I skimmed through the book and found that many of these life lessons apply to man and beast alike. Consider:
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