We All Fall Down: When the Addict and Family Relapse

By Eliza on March 30, 2013

Photo of Ricki TownsendA guest post from family counselor and interventionist Ricki Townsend

In the disease of addiction, as in most diseases, there is the chance of relapse. Both the substance abuser and the family must remember that we are only in remission.  Addiction doesn’t disappear; it is a chronic disease that may include relapse.

What does it look like when remission ends and relapse sets in?  Typically, recovery for all family members has been going well.  The family has been going to Al-Anon.  The addict/alcoholic has been going to AA or NA.  An agreement is in place, and everyone has been abiding by its terms. Things have been getter better, one day at a time, for six to nine months. The rough edges are smoothing out.  The beloved addict is now showing up in an honest way, and everyone starts relaxing.

Bit by bit, though, people become complacent.  The addict misses a meeting, or two.  The parents slack off on the drug testing. Other elements of the agreement are overlooked.  All of a sudden, relapse barges through the front door.

Old behaviors return in full force.  The addict starts using or drinking again, the parents resort to their earlier behaviors, whether enabling or withdrawing from the chaos.  The entire family is in relapse.

This scenario brings heartbreak, anger, stress, and panic.  What do you do now that it’s all falling apart again? How do you get back on track? This is a time to call an addiction professional that you trust and ask them to listen to you, your fears, and your pain.  Then listen to their ideas, which will be much more objective than yours. Is your loved one heading the right direction after relapse?  Going to meetings?  Testing clean?  Humble?  Scared?  Did you stick with your agreement?  What do you need to do differently this time around?  The answers to those questions will guide you as you think about the steps you need to take. Perhaps you will want to invite the professional to mediate between you and your loved one to reset the rules.

Because your family is a “system” with interlocking parts, you need to look at your role in the relapse.  Are you heading the right direction after the relapse? I invite you to breathe, spend some time alone to regain your balance, and consider your next steps. You can’t change the addict, but you can change yourself.  What might you do differently this time around?

There is no one “right” answer for everyone.  You need to find the answer that works for you and your family; the only “must” is that you seek that answer thoughtfully, constructively and respectfully.

Blessings,

Ricki Townsend
Board Certified Interventionist, Drug/Alcohol Counselor
NAADAC Certification Commissioner
Ncac1, CAS, RAS, Bri-1

Posted in , , , , , ,

A Dark Room were negatives are developed

By My3Sunz on March 22, 2013

photo of mans face.It’s been said resentments are the dark rooms where negatives are developed. This conjures up a great deal of truth about resentments – all negative. For me, it always came when my sons did not do what I expected and when it really mattered. I usually had a financial or emotional investment in the action I was anticipating. Commonly defined as an emotional feeling resulting from fear or imagined wrong doing, resentments always kept me hostage to negativity; anger, sadness, frustration, contempt, tension.

As I work through the resentments I have harvested with regards to the family disease, I can see where my obsession with the addicts in my life was consuming me and thwarting any possibility of joy and happiness. Depending on other people for things that really mattered to me was the driving force behind my resentments. Since my perspective was disproportionately misdirected, it was as if THEY were held in higher standards than where I held myself.  And my self worth was predicated on them…no wonder I spent so much time trying to control…

It’s been said the amount of time you spend thinking about something should be in this proportion: God first, me second, them 3rd! My understanding of resentments has come full circle and though I do not find myself having these emotional feelings as much anymore, they are not far surfacing when life happens to throw a curve ball. The difference today is I have a better support system to help me accept what is going on. I have choices in how I react to it.

Try exploring how the expectations we have for our loved ones can set us up for happiness or sorrow in our Meetings in A Box: Expectations.  You may discover your own dark room were negatives are developed.  You may begin to ask what really matters.

 

Posted in , , , , , , Tagged , , ,

Just Say “Oh” to Your Addicted Child

By Eliza on March 2, 2013

When you discover that your child is chemically dependent on drugs/alcohol, it’s often time to build or rebuild some healthy boundaries.  For me, that bolstering began as I tried to resuscitate the word “No,” which had mysteriously disappeared from my vocabulary.  I literally had to practice saying “No” to my child in my mind’s eye for almost a year before I could say it with conviction, and make it stick.  And that’s important:  Don’t say “No” if you are unable or unwilling to enforce it,  or it will be yet another empty threat.

As they say in Al-Anon, “No” is a complete sentence.  Possible alternative responses to incessant or unreasonable demands for money, trust or leeway include, “Let me think about that overnight,” or “Ohhh.  Hmmm….” When harangued by a child who is used to your waffling in the past, you might also say, “I have changed, and that is not OK with me anymore.”  And then walk away from the fight.

I also found it helpful to adorn a gray plastic shield with a banner proclaiming “Genuine Shit Shield, Just Say ‘Oh.’”  I carried that shield in my mind’s eye to fortify myself against the torrent of rage that I knew would be unleashed by my newfound courage. My mother-of-addict friends borrowed the Shit Shield, and it gave us a collective sense of empowerment (plus a much-needed infusion of comic relief) as it made the rounds through our home.

It takes a lot of backbone and practice to stick up for yourself; honestly, it is so much easier to cave in and avoid a confrontation. That’s why holding firm is called Tough Love, and it’s clearly the healthy thing for both you and your beloved child.  For assistance with boundary issues, check out our “Boundaries Meeting in a Box.”

Posted in , , , , , Tagged , , ,

Old Behaviors Disrupt my Serenity

By My3Sunz on January 4, 2013

I read that humility means having an attitude of honesty and simplicity along with a mindset of being teachable. This seems like a trait I’d like to possess more, especially in light of having loved ones in their addiction. There have been circumstances where I see my own humility. It seems to show up when I have a negative reaction to something. I ask my Higher Power, “What’s my part in this?” I most always get an answer (sometimes the answer is there but I ignore it). This is an opportunity to recognize my shortcomings and turn them back over to His care. My serenity is restored. I’m willing to listen. I am willing to learn.

One day during the holidays I was outside on our back deck. While outside, my son had called from prison and I missed the call. If you don’t pick up, they can’t leave a voice-mail. Often they lose their turn for that day. I immediately went into ANGER for having missed the call. What was I doing outside? Why did I have to do that? Then I went into blame, I blamed the dogs who were whining to go out…then I blamed my relative for having her dogs at my house and me having to “dog-sit” them. I was getting irrational yet my emotions were very strong. My part? If I were to be honest, I’d have to admit I wanted to go outside and pull a few weeds in the beautiful rare sunshine we were having. The dogs were just the excuse. My sponsor would say “life goes on – you can’t wait or live your life with expectations from someone else.” My son will call again when he is able and I will receive his call when I am able. And this is exactly what happened. Upon reflection, I realized how sad I was to have missed his call and I was able to feel that sorrow but not have it dominate the rest of my day. Old behaviors pop up and I’m reminded how easily I can relapse.  With a program of recovery, I have tools to help me rebound.  I turn my old behaviors into moments of humility and my serenity is restored.

Posted in , , , , , , , , Tagged , , ,

It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

By Eliza on December 1, 2012

It struck me the other day that there is a very fine line between being mad at our kids and going mad over our kids. At one end of the continuum, we’ve got anger; at the other, insanity. That realization got me thinking about the word “mad” and how it can represent the full spectrum of parental experience. To wit:

 

  • I’’m madly in love with you.
  • I’m mad at you.
  • I’m mad as hell and not going to take it anymore! ( Al-Anon calls this detachment. In the ideal world, this would be tempered with love)
  • Stop the madness.
  • I’ve gone mad!

We’ve all seen how our incessant anger at teen addiction can percolate into an uncontrollable obsession that commandeers our lives. I reached that point when my doctor asked me how I was doing, and I reported on my son’s travails instead. Like a deer in the headlights, I froze when she reminded me that I was not my child. I was so enmeshed in his wellness and illness that it had become my own.

Saying “no” to madness can mean the difference between getting off the ledge or going over the edge. How do we separate from our children when their substance abuse has hijacked our brains? How do we stop the madness and detach with love? Readers, please share comments on this important topic.

Posted in , , , ,

Anger Management When Your Teen is an Addict

By Eliza on November 7, 2012

Addiction is maddening.  It makes us angry, and it makes us crazy.  As I walked the walk of my son’s addiction (and my addiction to his addiction), I journeyed through dark forests of denial, sinkholes of depression and explosive minefields of anger—his and mine.

I was stunned when I first realized the magnitude of my son’s problems, which I took on as my own. I was frozen and numb as I surveyed the damage.  It was an out of body experience: this cannot be my life.

At some point, denial morphed into depression and then into outright rage as I began to calculate the cost on so many fronts:  mental and physical health issues, property damage, squandered money and the incalculable cost of betrayal.  I felt duped and betrayed by someone who I loved. I went crazy trying to make sense of addiction:  if he loved me, why did he keep doing such destructive things to himself and our family?  Today, I understand that the poor choices of an addict aren’t driven by love at all. But in the depths of my despair, I racked my brain in a vain effort to make sense of the senseless.

I was also mad at the world. Why didn’t insurance pay for rehab? Why didn’t someone warn me about teen addiction the way they told me about child predators or meningitis? Why couldn’t my friends understand the depths of my pain and despair?

It took a lot of being angry, being introspective, grieving and the good old fashioned passage of time for me to work through my anger.  Along the way, I learned that anger, while an essential stage in the grieving process, needs to come to resolution and acceptance. Buddha said it best: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else—you are the one who gets burned.”

For help working through your anger, check out our Anger “Meeting in a Box.“

Posted in , ,

Sunday Inspiration

By Eliza on September 30, 2012

 

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

-Buddha

Posted in ,

Mobile Serenity

By My3Sunz on August 7, 2012

I heard someone say, “nothing like Arkansas in the rearview mirror!” to illustrate a point about running away from problems. It’s also been termed a “geographic” – meaning, if I move away to another city, state, country, I will leave the problems behind. This sounded like a good idea – boy was I ready to escape! I had entertained those thoughts myself because addiction and drug abuse was creating havoc in my life and I was at wits end.  I felt cornered where the only way out was to pick up and move!

I have since learned that running away doesn’t solve anything because I still have to live with myself! I can’t run from me – but early on I did not see my part in the equation. I only saw what THEY were doing. Detach with love! Detach with anger! Detach however you can! These were recurring suggestions. Not knowing how to detach, one thing that did work was to take “mini geographics” with my husband in our travel trailer. These little escapades, new to us, in an old used hunting trailer my husband brought home, became my way to detach. For one long weekend I would go to the mountains, the ocean or a lake and have serenity. Eventually I found my higher power. Eventually I learned how to focus on my life again with no outside influences; phone calls, knocks at the door, newspapers, neighbors. We detached, if but for one weekend at a time!

These road trips were my time: to read, paint, take walks, kayak. I could sleep; sleep some more and read my recovery material. I worked on me, and what I gained was health: spiritual, physical and mental. I fondly think of my old trailer as my “mobile serenity” which helped me understand the solution to my problems begin with me.

 

Posted in , , , , , , , , Tagged , , , ,

Denial: Why I have trouble with the ones closest to me

By My3Sunz on July 27, 2012

Denial is a powerful escape from life’s serious problems. For me, reality takes on a distortion and when I’m focused on my grown child I lose sight of what really is. My tendencies are to not see addiction. I don’t see isolation from family and social settings, and I don’t see self-centeredness, ego or anger to name a few. Unsettling behavior is hard to see with those closest to me. I can’t stand to see the suffering or struggles. Before the tools of recovery to help with my co-dependency issues, I stayed in denial because I didn’t know what to do. I felt obligated and responsible for the substance abuse but I did not know it was much bigger and more powerful than anything I had ever come across. With no tools and working on it alone, denial helped smooth over the trouble, minimizing big issues to a temporary manageable level.

Oddly, if the same behavior was exhibited by a stranger, at least I’d recognize certain signals: danger, concern, disrespect or insensitivity. Most likely I would not tolerate it. But to those I love? I don’t see it or my denial turns it into rationalization or normalization. I thought I would be able to help, but really? How? I’m incapable – I’m just too close. This is why I pray for the stranger, turn the rest over to a Power, greater than myself and for all matters that concern me; I let it begin with me.

To understand the coping mechanism that can perpetuate rather than solve the problem, check out Parent Pathway Meeting in a box: Denial.

Posted in , , , , , , , Tagged , , , , ,

Triggers and Teen Addiction….How Do you Just Say “No?”

By Eliza on July 3, 2012

I imagine my beloved and chemically-dependent child has triggers that may send him ever so slightly in the direction of relapse.  I have triggers of my own that sometimes push me towards an unhealthy engagement with my son, back to the Neolithic days of enabling, co-dependency, anger, despair and addiction to his addiction.  

It’s difficult to convey to others how triggers can launch me with the power of a catapult into a place of anger and heartache.  How could a simple white lie or overlooked obligation raise my blood pressure and my ire so quickly?  Why are things like this—so innocuous and commonplace to others—so upsetting to me?  Its’ because they bring back a dark, contentious past of hand-to-hand, heart-to-heart combat with the Enemy Addiction.  The most powerful triggers have the ability to transport me back to the bad old days almost instantly and unconsciously. 

Author Anne Lamott talks about her own triggers in her book, Grace (Eventually)  Thoughts on Faith, “I did not explain or justify my triggers…because trigger implies weapons, weapons imply aim, aim implies combat, combat implies engagement. All I wanted was to feel less engaged, less stuck: I wanted to let it go….I wanted to be a person of peace, who diminishes hurt in the world, instead of perpetuating it.”  

Isn’t that what we all want as we walk away from the war zone of chemical dependency?  How to reach that space of peaceful disengagement and serenity is another thing entirely.  Some of us “Let go and let God.”  Others find relief with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  And I’ve heard about repeating a mantra over and over when contronting a trigger.  How do you neutralize your triggers so they don’t derail your own recovery?

Posted in , , , , , Tagged , , , ,