When Institutionalization becomes part of the life for an addict/alcoholic – This mother changes attitude

By My3Sunz on May 31, 2013

“If he breaks parole, expect the police to come knocking at your door!” This factoid was presented to me by my son. It was on the heels of discussing his brother. Nothing specific mind you, but in generalities since the one in question had gone “underground.” We were wondering what would be the next event and while I was concerned about this relapse, welfare and safety, my son was concerned about what could happen to us.

“The parents are the first line of offense for Parole Agents since our address is the last noted lived-at-location,” he added. True or not, I reminded him that we have had plenty of experience with the police at our door. Though it has been a while since the last uniformed visit, much has changed since then. For one, I no longer live in fear of authority. I’m not the one breaking any laws. I quickly learned that I did not have to invite anyone into my house regardless of what badge and what county they may be representing. I’ve learned a lot about addiction and my relation to it. I have to accept new frontiers as I continue to grow and trust in my Higher Power. At the same time, I must accept my son’s right to deal with life “inside or outside” the walls. I don’t need to interfere or even begin to think I know what’s best. Parole may be one of the many phases of recovery, who am I to say? This wasn’t always my attitude.  But I’m grateful for the people who take the recovery message to Hospitals and Institutions. It’s as if I have a feeling of resolve, knowing the message is being carried and the hope that maybe one day my son is willing and able to hear it.

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The Missing Chapter in the Parenting Book

By Eliza on May 22, 2013

A while ago, I read about a book called “Dear Me, a Letter to my 16-Year Old Self.”  Amazon describes the book like this:  “In Dear Me, 75 celebrities, writers, musicians, athletes, and actors have written letters to their younger selves that give words of comfort, warning, humor, and advice. These letters present intimate, moving, and witty insights into some of the world’s most intriguing and admired individuals. By turns funny, surprising, raw, and uplifting, this singular collection captures the universal conditions that are youth, life, and growing up.

It got me thinking—what would I say to my thirty-year old self as I launched my ship into the seas of parenthood?  Maybe something like this…. “Dear Me: As you welcome your first child into the world, the good news is that you are embarking on a wonderful journey of discovery. The bad news is that you don’t get a map of any sort, beyond the wisdom offered by Dr. Spock.  And he doesn’t cover teen substance abuse.  So here is a list of tips to make the sailing smoother:

·         Be clear on your expectations and stick with consequences.

·         No matter what your kids do or don’t do, treat them with love and respect.

·         No matter what you do or don’t do, treat yourself with love and respect.

·         Holding on to past hurts only prolongs the suffering

·         Forgive yourself and others.

·         Know that you did the best job you could do at the time.

Well, that’s a start.  Looking back, what pearls of wisdom would you offer yourself (and others) who have journeyed through the Land of Addiction?

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What Dogs Can Teach Parents of Addicts and Alcoholics

By Eliza on May 11, 2013

While waiting at the vet one day, I picked up an enlightening book called What Dogs Teach Us:  Life’s Lessons Learned from Our Best Friends by Glen Dromgoole.  I skimmed through the book and found that many of these life lessons apply to man and beast alike.  Consider:

  • “Appreciate the preciousness of life.”  Addiction gives us an ongoing opportunity to practice this concept, trying to find the rainbow in the storm clouds.  As they say, practice makes perfect.  Keep looking for that rainbow to appear.
  • “Good behavior should be reinforced with complements or rewards.” My natural instinct as a co-dependent worrier is to get stressed and cranky.  Thanks to addiction, I’ve come to learn the futility of worry.  When worry bubbles up in my mind, I now try to wrestle it to the ground. Why should I let worry call the shots in my life?   I can be happier when I focus on the positive, and the people around me are happier because I am less preoccupied, maybe even more pleasant.. Win/win.
  • “Sassing back can make things worse.”  That goes both ways—you sass me/ I sass you, and we both lose.  The Al-Anon equivalent of this statement is “Spit out the hook” or “You don’t have to attend every fight you are invited to.”
  • “Run to the rescue of people in trouble.”  Uh oh. Maybe this natural instinct of mine wouldn’t be so problematic if I were Lassie or Rin Tin Tin, but rescuing people is bad for me and bad for them. This adage is healthy only if you are a dog or a paramedic.
  • “Co-dependency is OK as long as one of you has four legs.”  Amen to that!
  • And finally…“Take time to enjoy the smells and sounds and sights around us.” Life is short. If we mire ourselves in fruitless preoccupations about our loved one’s addictions, then our very own lives go passing by while we are looking the other way.

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Sunday Inspiration

By Eliza on May 5, 2013

Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation………Forgiveness does not excuse anything………You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. ”

Wm. Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity

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How’s Your Day Going So Far?

By My3Sunz on May 3, 2013

This question, often asked at the grocery store by the courtesy clerk, reminds me of a time I’d have to see if my kids were doing alright before I could answer. If they were doing well, then I was doing well. If they were messing up, then my day would be ruined. My attachment to them was so powerful that I was not aware of how much my well being depended on them. My concern for them at different stages of their troublesome drug use grew exponentially. Addiction is progressive. If a person does not seek recovery, they will spiral further and further. For my experience, this was exactly what happened. My life depended on them to get sober, and it was not looking good for me. If only he would get sober and start working in a job so he can be self-sufficient…Then I’d be happy! I remember when my son finally asked for help and we financed his treatment, a faith based live in facility. I was ecstatic! Finally! My life is going to get better. One thing was certain, I was able to sleep a full 7 hours. Many rehabs and relapses were on the horizon. Fortunately, during this time I sought help too. With my co-dependent lifestyle, I was beginning to see health problems associated with years of stress and relying on an addict to make me feel happy. I remember my counselor asked me “do you want to be happy?” “Yes! Yes I do want to be happy!” I replied. “Then go right ahead.” What I did not know then, but have since learned, is my happiness is something I choose. I learned how NOT to rely on anyone to make me feel good. Are there days when sadness hits? You bet there is. That’s life, and I accept that there will be ups and downs. Down is not a destination.  Today, I’m doing great, thank you and it’s a - Wonderful feeling, feeling this way! 

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Jail Visitation Rituals

By My3Sunz on April 30, 2013

Jail Visitation is a familiar setting.  I’ve been a visitor here often, and it spans many years.  The locations change, but the signs are the same.  This is where I go to see my son when his disease lands him there.  Over time, my visitation attitude has changed.  It used to be I would try to reason with him; tell him what I think he needs to hear, show disappointment because he’s not doing what I think he should be doing and chasing my dream that he will get it this time.  It’s too hard to keep working that angle with no benefit.  Eventually, my desires for my son’s recovery became no longer necessary to outwardly express them.  His incarceration is a result of drug addiction, period, end of story.  And when I accept that, my relationship with him is on neutral territory: he’s not on the hot seat, and I’m not the interrogator.  It’s this change in attitude that allows me to choose that visit, because jail visitation has many inconveniences.   I would inwardly fight the system with its unyielding rules for visitors.  Now I endure the rules and regulations about what I wear, what I carry in, and for those 30 minutes, I forfeit a day.  But it’s worth it because now I’m just a loving mom visiting my son. After I’m “admitted in” I embrace the 40 minute wait.  There is no reading material allowed and our chairs face a TV that is never turned on.  As other visitors file through I begin to get anxious about what to do with all that time sitting still waiting for the clock to turn to visit time.  There’s really nothing else but to twittle my thumbs.  Then I remember that I can invite my Higher Power in; asking for guidance on how I can be fully present with my son.  I can turn inward to prayer and meditation.   I have concerns, but I’m not consumed by them anymore.   I wish his situation will turn to better days, but I don’t dwell on the future too much.   And then the fastest 30 minutes of the day flashes by, and I’m grateful that I can visit my son and that he enjoys the time with me as well.

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I’m good enough, I’m smart enough….

By My3Sunz on March 8, 2013

I learned, over time, how dysfunctional my thinking became after spending so much time and energy focused on my sons. It was not obvious to me how much I had relinquished control of my self-worth to others – an effect from alcoholism and drug addiction in the family. When I took the focus off of them and began to look at me, I could see how I perceived the world around me – how my thinking was distorted.  But old habits and thoughts can be changed – rehabilitated. I sometimes find myself beginning the think in negative ways.  Thoughts that range from taking blame for other’s actions or feelings, to not feeling worthy enough to voice my true feelings. My top favorites:

1. She didn’t call me back; I must have done something wrong!

2. I don’t have anything to say… no one would listen anyway.

3. I can’t ask them, they seem so busy – I don’t want to impose.

4. I can’t say no, what would they think of me?

5. I’m sorry he behaved so badly; let me make it up to you.

6. I feel bad about charging X dollars per hour for my work, anyone could do it, really!

7. I’ll just pretend that did not happen, why stir up the bees?

As silly as Stuart Smalley’s affirmations were from his SNL episodes, there’s a point behind the humor.

Today I will try to be patient, kind and accepting of the person I am. I can learn to appreciate the progress I’m making. I know I have skills and abilities that are useful and I’m working on developing a better sense of self! After all; “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!” 

 

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The Power of Words for Parents of Addicts/Alcoholics

By Eliza on February 16, 2013

A child’s addiction/alcoholism is laced with shame. My son’s chemical dependency made me feel like a failure as a parent, so instead of asking for help and support, I kept quiet.  When I did bare my soul, sometimes I was treated like a pariah, sometimes I was treated compassionately; but I consistently felt like friends and family didn’t understand addiction as a condition of brain chemistry rather than a deficient character.

I remained torn up about who to tell, and what to say, about our struggles as a family. And then I realized that how I speak about my child revealed my own attitude towards him and can shape your opinion, as well.  What sounds kinder: “My addict child” or “My chemically dependent child?”  What description creates awareness and understanding: “A disease of the brain” or “A lack of willpower and character?” What kind of language opens the door to treatment and possible recovery, and which language points to contempt and alienation?

I am not whitewashing the issue here or letting those with substance abuse struggles off the hook.  Chemical dependency can give rise to horrific behavior—drunk driving, theft, fraud, abuse, neglect….the list goes on and on.  That behavior is an outward manifestation of a brain gone awry, unable to let go of the obsession to use and abuse.  But what do we gain by choosing language that paints and pigeonholes our beloved children in such a destructive fashion? And what do we lose by describing alcoholism and addiction for what they are:  a brain disease in which the unrelenting demands of the survival center of the brain overtake rational thought and reason.

Language can be a powerful tool or a destructive weapon—choose yours wisely.

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The Picture of Health (or not) for Parents of Addicts or Alcoholics

By Eliza on January 9, 2013

CNN just posted an article about a new app that shows you how alcohol ages you over time.  You can even download the app and take it with you to parties, should you so desire to put the kibosh on the festivities.  You simply paste in your photo, make a couple of adjustments to center your face on the page, and then tell the app how much alcohol you consume in a week.  Voila!  If you drink a lot, the “you of today + ten years of heavy drinking” looks fat and florid and wrinkled.  The “you of today + ten years of light drinking” looks (and most definitely feels) a whole lot better.

What if they had an app that illustrates how our kids’ alcohol or drug use ages us?  The “you of today + ten years of a mildly partying child” would look reasonably OK, given the normal ravages of time. The “you of today + ten years of a kid’s moderate partying and accompanying scrapes” will show dark circles from occasional sleepless nights and an extra ten pounds from stress eating. The “you of today + ten years of a child’s addiction/alcoholism” will look like hell. Your face will be a road map of stress, heartbreak and anxiety.  And the photo won’t even show the damage inside:  the high blood pressure, migraines or ulcers. Or the broken heart.

This app made me think.  It made me look in the mirror and wonder, “How am I permitting my angst over chemical dependency to hurt my body? An even bigger question:  how –and why–do I bear the burdens of others’ problems?”  Geez, those occasional gray hairs are looking pretty immaterial right now.

Here’s looking at you (and me).  We are the ones who are responsible for our health, regardless of the decisions our children make.

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Dealing with a Child’s Addiction/Alcoholism: It’s an Inside Job

By Eliza on December 26, 2012

The world did not end on December 20; instead, we are on the cusp of a new year entirely.  What possibilities can the new year usher into my life?  As the parent of a teen who has struggled with chemical dependency, I have watched the world go by through some dim, damaged lenses over the past few years. I’ve been on the lookout for victims or someone to blame (myself included); I’ve made myself a nervous wreck while awaiting disasters that never materialized. I’ve anticipated every flavor and incarnation of relapse so that I would be prepared when it happened.  Trust me—relapse happened many, many times in my mind before my son ever experienced it.   And it wasn’t pretty.

How would my world be different if I looked for:

  • someone to thank instead of someone to blame
  • someone to admire, rather than someone to judge
  • something to cherish instead of something to hate

Would this change in perspective protect my child from drugs and alcohol?  Most assuredly not.  Would it protect me from me?  Would it keep me from resorting to my sorry habits, like imagining impending disaster around every bend?  Yep– changing my focus could be a game-changer for me.

So I plan to write my bad habits on scraps of paper and ceremoniously ignite them on New Year’s Eve.  Some call that a “burning bowl” ceremony; I call it creating a healthier vista on my world, a vista that I can shape. As Rainer Maria Rilke said, “And now let us believe in a long year that is given to us, new, untouched, full of things that have never been.”

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