Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

There’s a saying that has been very helpful along my journey through my daughters struggle with addiction – ‘Say what you mean, mean what you say but don’t say it mean’. Many times the first part ‘say what you mean’ is the easiest. I can often express what I mean to say, even in the heat of the moment when I’m upset or stressed. The second part ‘mean what you say’ is where the challenge starts for me. I’ll give an example. Early in the journey when my daughter was active in her addiction she had gotten out of rehabilitation and was going into a sober living house. I said what I meant, ‘You need to have a plan if you relapse and use drugs/alcohol again because coming home is not an option’. I truly meant this and I knew it was what was best for her. ‘Mean what you say’ is where you hold your loved one accountable to the consequences of their actions. Those consequences are among the very things that can help someone struggling with addiction to seek recovery.
I remember at one point early in my daughter’s journey while she was living in a sober living house that she called me late one night. She said, “I got kicked out, I messed up, I need to come home, I have nowhere to go…’. Short of getting a call that your loved one has been hurt or worse, this was the call we parents dread when we have said coming home is not an option. This happened quite a few years ago and I have learned so much since then about how the most loving thing you can do is stick to what you said. Late that night I couldn’t bear the thought of where my daughter would go or what might happen to her and I let her come home. Five days later she drove her car while seriously intoxicated and crashed into a tree. By the grace of God, she survived. I had been gently coached by a parent who had been through this when I told him that I let her come home. He said, “Your very actions to rescue your daughter from the consequence of her action may very well kill her one day”. While this seemed harsh at the time – it was 2 days before the accident. His words haunted me, he was so right. I did not hold her accountable due to my fears. I became very resolved from that moment on to ‘Say what I mean, mean what I say and don’t say it mean’ and it has made all the difference in our respective recoveries.

Stop talking and start mending things with your addicted child

Photo of teen girl talking to woman.One way I have learned to improve my relationships with my adult children whose issues with substance abuse bothered me is to remember to keep my big mouth shut…tight!  My friend says “I have the right to remain silent; I just don’t have the ability to!” Finally, I’m given a reason for my behavior – I’m powerless over the desire to comment!  A symptom of co-dependency, it perpetuates my unhappiness with the outcomes.  Even though I’m aware of the negative consequences, I forget the tools that help me behave differently. Slowly, I remember those tools before my tongue takes over and my ability to communicate with maturity improves.

I use to override or completely miss the signs that the other person doesn’t want to engage or is put off by something I have said. I tend to do this uncensored with the ones closest to me. For example, I want to offer advice that wasn’t requested from me or offer a better solution to something they share. Their reaction is silence, withdrawn or irritated outburst. Outbursts are unpleasant, but silence seems worse! The sound of silence triggers my need to break it with a question. Questions can be aggressive. Usually, I ask prying questions under the guise of being loving or interested. A question can put people on the defensive and coupled with substance abuse, there is also an open invitation for lying. Questions can also be perceived as prying and nosey. That is not the kind of mother I want to be and if I had continued without change, I would have pushed others further away from me – the exact opposite of what I desire!

Understanding my role in the family disease has helped me appreciate the significance of the slogan W.A.I.T.    This is an acronym I picked up in Al-Anon which stands for “why am I talking?” A good reminder to keep my urge to say something in check.  Another problem with questions is I’m usually not prepared for the answer! I’ve grabbed onto the saying, “Don’t ask if you don’t want to know!” Learning to listen and accept the situation, without comment, gets easier the more I practice. I have come to realize that silence is not unpleasant but rather a time I can compose myself to breathe, invite my Higher Power in, and be mindful of my own character defects.

To learn more about communicating successfully with your loved ones, explore Parent Pathway’s Meeting in a Box: Communication

Uncluttering my life, including my co-dependency

closetLast weekend, I completed a much-overdue task: cleaning out the clutter that had collected in a couple areas of my house.  I realized how therapeutic this activity was for me.  I initially created more mess as I pulled things off the shelf and went through the pains taking sorting process:  Attic? Donation? Keep Handy?  Throw away?  As I sifted through clothes, books, knick-knacks, just to name a few, I started feeling a sense of unburdening.  While I do not like to have a messy house, I have to confess that I do have small, tuck away messy areas.  I have a tendency to do a big clean-up project and then slowly it gets cluttered time moves forward in my busy life.  As I was going through this process I realized this relates to life in general.

When I am organized and on top of the many responsibilities that I have, I feel peaceful and stress free.  And when I am on top of setting boundaries and taking care of myself, then I can better care of those I love.  In my co-dependency, I can let things get out of hand quite rapidly.  Which in turn creates messes that I need to later clean up.

These messes are usually around letting a bad habit creep in – like jumping in and paying a bill for my child that is their responsibility.  I may think, ‘oh, it’s just a small amount and she can really use the help….’ or ‘I’ll help by creating a resume since I’ve done so many…’  Yet, doing these small things can add up to a big message ‘you are not capable, I am’ and ‘why take responsibility when Mom will bail me out.’  I’ve worked hard to undo these types of bad habits and create healthy ones.  Just like cleaning out the clutter around my house, I will continue to clean out the clutter of my co-dependency.

A sibling’s view of addiction as a family disease

siblings talkingWhen I first heard that alcoholism is a family disease, I balked at that notion. I did not consider how all my thoughts and energy fields were directed on them: to get them to stop, to get them to see the light, to rescue or make excuses for them. I did not see my behavior at all – after all,they were the ones with the problem, not me! I might admit my stress level increased, but I’d justify “you’d be worried too if your kid was struggling!”

After I joined the Al-Anon family groups and started working the steps, I began to see how my actions, my feelings, my health and well-being were directly proportional to the degree of involvement with trying to control the addict. As the disease progressed, my obsessions increased and I started showing physical symptoms from the stress.

I had the opportunity to understand this from another perspective from a sibling of someone struggling with substance abuse.   She shared how awful it was to see her mother spend all her waking moments worried about her sister. It seemed all her mother did was focus on the sister; wonder and wish she’d get better, always talk about her, often sad about her, …and if her sister was doing well, her mom’s attitude was better. She was learning to please her mom by being the “good daughter.” She believed that she herself could somehow make mom happy. When that didn’t work, she lost all sense of self-worth. The frustration she felt with her mom often made her angry. She wanted to scream “what about me?!! I’m here and I’m doing all the right things”! Then the notion that she could somehow control her addict sister in attempt to “smooth things over” in the family soon became her new obsession.

Hearing her story put things in perspective.  In many ways I related.  I was able to look at how my behavior towards the “problem” might have affected other family members and friends who cared about me. Was I so preoccupied that I closed them out? I was seeing proof from others who shared their experience. There is a commonality of the symptoms. With proof I no longer had doubt about this being a family disease.

Pushing your addicted or alcoholic children out of the nest

A Mother is BornA robin has woven a mossy nest in the crape myrtle tree not far from my kitchen window. I first noticed her several weeks ago as she shredded a nearby nest left over by last year’s Thrasher clan. Mama Robin was intent on eliminating any possible competitors or predators from her turf.
Today, I realized the eggs had hatched when I spotted both male and female perching around the nest, worms dangling from their beaks. They took turns plunging their beaks into the nest, depositing food into the clamoring mouths.

Later, as I watered plants nearby, I watched Mama Robin watch me. Her eyes were alert, and her beak gaped open in a fierce manner, conveying in birdie-speak her willingness to go to battle for her babies. I bet she would have swooped down on me, had I come any closer.

I felt almost nostalgic as I noted her instinctive protectiveness as a mother. What wouldn’t a mother do to keep her children safe?

The ironic thing about addiction is that in our misguided, fear-driven efforts to keep our children safe, sometimes we actually contribute to their vulnerability. We cover and compensate for their bad choices, and they don’t learn to make good ones. We protect them from the dangers they have created in a way that exposes them to even more danger.  We keep them safe in their cushy nest, and they don’t learn how to fly.

Emily Dickenson wrote, “Hope is a thing with feathers,” and I’d like to add my footnote: “Trust is letting those feathered wings take flight.”

Learning and teaching patience to an addicted child

kindness of others along the journeyOne of the most telling characteristics of addiction/alcoholism is an extreme lack of patience. (” I want it now now now.”). When someone is struggling with substance use disorder and they are coming down from their drug of choice, it makes sense that they have an urgent need for the next fix.  This urgency can also seep into relationships and  interactions.  Even as recovery from addiction comes into play, the desire to instantly satisfy a craving or desire can remain a challenge to those addicted – and their families.

As a person who struggles with co-dependency, I know I play a part in this behavior.  Early in my daughter’s addiction, I didn’t understand that many times the urgency of something was not realistic or warranted.  I was convinced that the upgraded cell phone was absolutely essential to getting a job or the gas money was not enough because, because, because…the list goes on.  And while now it seems so obvious to me, at the beginning of the journey I wanted to believe everything even when it didn’t make sense.

As recovery grows and sets in, I can see these demanding behaviors dissipate.  This is partly due to the healthier conversation we have when a “want” is expressed.  I know that it is not my place to take on her issues or problems. She is capable of fixing them, and  I’m willing to give advice.  That might seem like obvious and sound parenting, but for those of us in the trenches, it can be a challenge to break old patterns and create new healthy boundaries for the future.

Ready to recover from your child’s addiction or alcoholism? Consider this.

mirror on the wallSo often, we ask ourselves, “When will they figure it out?  When will they quit destroying their lives (and ours)?” Here’s the real question:  “When will we  stop letting them destroy our lives?” Consider these points:

  • If I didn’t cause my child’s substance use disorder (which is a brain disease), then why did I keep blaming myself?
  • Why did I feel guilty for his choices and his behavior?
  • If I cannot control his behavior, then why did I insert myself into his life in a meddling and pointless way (e.g., calling his employer when HE lost HIS job.  Paying his legal bills when HE broke the law.)
  • If I cannot cure his chemical dependency, then why was I more committed to his recovery than he was?
  • Why did I obsess about his alcohol and drug use when it had absolutely no impact whatsoever on his behavior? My worrying and stalking was truly a sorry testament to my addiction to his addiction.  I became emotionally and psychologically intertwined with his disease, a strangling co-dependency.

We didn’t cause our children’s chemical dependency.  We can’t control it. We cannot cure it.  As I consider those  basic facts of addiction and alcoholism, they have come to dictate the way I now approach recovery—MY recovery.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall…I’m also sick, after all. Once I came to that painful and stark realization, we both had a shot at recovery.

Your problem is not my problem – Keeping a healthy perspective

It happens so fast sometimes we don’t even realize its happening! How does someone else’s problem all of a sudden become my problem? Because I let it happen, plain and simple. Sure there are a list of reasons why this can happen and they all seem so logical, yet taking on someone else’ problem actually creates problems. When my daughter was in the midst of her addiction, it crept up on me slowly. First there were the grades that started slipping and so I began intervening and talking to her teachers to find out assignments and what needed to happen so she wouldn’t fail. This took the stress off of her and put it squarely on me! This not only caused stress for me but taught her not to own her issues.

Even though my daughter is in recovery, I still need to be careful not to take on her problems. She has had situations where she has had a bill to pay or ticket to take care of. In the past she would tell me and sometimes not even ask for my help and I would jump and start coming to the rescue. Sometimes these situations are difficult and costly, but I don’t take on the problem for her. We talk about what she needs to do to take care of her issue. In the end, she handles it and she learns. If I take on her problems, she would be taught that she is not capable and she would not have learned. This is the power of understanding how my co-dependent behavior does not help, it hurts – both of us. I am committed to continue to own my problems and let others own theirs.

Reclaiming your serenity with “re-language”

Mental Illness and AddictionI am so fortunate to have XM radio, and sometimes catch Oprah Winfrey’s Lifeclass. One day I listened to her with her guest, Iyanla Vanzant.  (To learn more about Lifeclass, click here)

Iyanla Vanzant, an inspirational and new thought spiritual teacher, is such a kick and is always giving out little one-liners that provoke me to think! She’d discuss how Deceptive Intelligence keeps us from spiritual growth and screamed to the viewer: “RE-LANGUAGE!” Make no mistake, re-language was an aggressive verb, a call to action! I applied it to my own experience of codependency with young adult children in addiction:

DECEPTIVE INTELLIGENCE: I had to kick my kids out of my home. This is so dramatic and feeds the guilt I held for experiencing a scenario I wished did not have to happen. I took on responsibility, as if I could have done something else to minimize the impact. RE-LANGUAGE: My kids chose not to live by my boundaries, so they left.

DECEPTIVE INTELLIGENCE: If I let go, they might fail, get arrested, go to jail. There is a dangerous side effect when I think I know outcomes, especially if I believe I can orchestrate the future – Guilt, Disappointment, Denial, Shame. RE-LANGUAGE: I can’t control the choices my kids make, but they have a right to make them, even if I don’t agree with it.

DECEPTIVE INTELLIGENCE: His girlfriend introduced him to drugs, I blame her. RE-LANGUAGE: She is a child of God, cleverly disguised as a drug addict (another gem from Iyanla).

DECEPTIVE INTELLIGENCE: When I figure out recovery, I’ll be able to show them how to do it! I believed this to the core. So my early help seeking behavior had an end game! I’d pick up a speaker CD from an AA or recovered Drug Addict, and I’d strategize how my sons could listen to it. If they just listened, then …. I was still thinking what I was doing in Al-Anon would help me to the solution for me my kids. I was still trying to control it. Oh, yeah, definately Deceptive Thinking! RE-LANGUAGE: My children will get recovery when they are ready, on their own, in HIS time, and I’m not in charge. I’m just a child of God,  cleverly disguised as a know it all!


As the Holiday Season Comes – A time to be grateful

Today I am grateful for a family that is together and whole. It has not always been like this. When my daughter was struggling with addiction the holidays were not a happy time. We got through the holidays but did not always enjoy them. Today I am thinking of those who are struggling, whether it is the addict or the ones that love them, and I am praying for comfort and serenity amidst the difficult times. It is difficult to know that things can get better, that there is hope for everyone no matter how desperate the situation seems.
I have a story of hope because this month my daughter is celebrating 3 years in recovery. I am so grateful for this and yet I know that it has been a difficult journey. It is becoming easier to forget the dark days, as I call them. They seem like a distant shore that is becoming more and more difficult to see. Sometimes I want to be rid of any memory as if it didn’t exist and other times I realize that it is important to remember in order to keep me from falling back into the unconscious co-dependent behaviors of my past. I chose to remember what brought me to this point in my life journey and relish all the joys and blessings that have come with it. Just like remembering what the holiday season is all about. Besides a time to be with family and friends, it is about reflecting on what I am grateful for. I am grateful for the slow, but steady, process of recovery from the co-existing diseases of addiction and co-dependency. A time to celebrate, remember and be grateful for today.