By My3Sunz on May 14, 2013
The Power of my thoughts can change the way I act. Thoughts drive symptoms. For me, symptoms were anxious feelings. I was fearful that any one of my sons may at any point in time fall into serious consequences. I had obsessive thoughts and continual replay of past events when I may have had a better influence on them. This kept me longing for things I could not have back. Everything in my life was drama. Living with active addiction creates mayhem. Then my thoughts turned to physical symptoms: Panic attacks, blood pressure; an altered immune system that, if left untreated, would leave me in medical crises.
It used to bother me when the doctor would say my problem was stress. I felt it was a cop-out. What I did not know is that stress is not reality; stress is how my mind reacts to the reality around it. The old adage “things upset me” versus “I upset me” point of view. But then my mind would say, “my son’s drug problem upsets me, and when he gets better, I won’t have stress anymore.” This type of thinking did not help me or my son in anyway. It kept me in a circular self-defeating mind set.
Sometimes change is forced on us. It wasn’t like I made a conscience effort to seek help for myself, I stumbled on the notion I needed help while searching for help for my sons. I had to experience desperation which opened up a willingness to try a new way to manage an old problem. The disease of addiction is progressive as were my negative thoughts. My symptoms became greater than my desire to maintain familiar tactics. It was this force, greater than me, that propelled me to change. I just wanted to feel better. I think I will.
Posted in Addiction, Change, Desperation, Fear, My 3 Sunz, Worry
By Eliza on March 30, 2013
A guest post from family counselor and interventionist Ricki Townsend
In the disease of addiction, as in most diseases, there is the chance of relapse. Both the substance abuser and the family must remember that we are only in remission. Addiction doesn’t disappear; it is a chronic disease that may include relapse.
What does it look like when remission ends and relapse sets in? Typically, recovery for all family members has been going well. The family has been going to Al-Anon. The addict/alcoholic has been going to AA or NA. An agreement is in place, and everyone has been abiding by its terms. Things have been getter better, one day at a time, for six to nine months. The rough edges are smoothing out. The beloved addict is now showing up in an honest way, and everyone starts relaxing.
Bit by bit, though, people become complacent. The addict misses a meeting, or two. The parents slack off on the drug testing. Other elements of the agreement are overlooked. All of a sudden, relapse barges through the front door.
Old behaviors return in full force. The addict starts using or drinking again, the parents resort to their earlier behaviors, whether enabling or withdrawing from the chaos. The entire family is in relapse.
This scenario brings heartbreak, anger, stress, and panic. What do you do now that it’s all falling apart again? How do you get back on track? This is a time to call an addiction professional that you trust and ask them to listen to you, your fears, and your pain. Then listen to their ideas, which will be much more objective than yours. Is your loved one heading the right direction after relapse? Going to meetings? Testing clean? Humble? Scared? Did you stick with your agreement? What do you need to do differently this time around? The answers to those questions will guide you as you think about the steps you need to take. Perhaps you will want to invite the professional to mediate between you and your loved one to reset the rules.
Because your family is a “system” with interlocking parts, you need to look at your role in the relapse. Are you heading the right direction after the relapse? I invite you to breathe, spend some time alone to regain your balance, and consider your next steps. You can’t change the addict, but you can change yourself. What might you do differently this time around?
There is no one “right” answer for everyone. You need to find the answer that works for you and your family; the only “must” is that you seek that answer thoughtfully, constructively and respectfully.
Blessings,
Ricki Townsend
Board Certified Interventionist, Drug/Alcohol Counselor
NAADAC Certification Commissioner
Ncac1, CAS, RAS, Bri-1
Posted in Addiction, Al-Anon, Anger, Desperation, Eliza, Relapse, Relationships
By Eliza on February 23, 2013
The sorrow, destruction and powerlessness of a child’s addiction weigh heavily on our hearts. In my dimmest hour, devastation for my child was all I could see. It was the only thing that I could imagine. I was blinded by his addiction.
And yet, somewhere along the way I began to spot glimmers of light, personal epiphanies of growth and change and promise. My personal torture morphed into compassion for others. I became grateful for small things that wouldn’t have even caught my eye before. I learned to devote time and energy to the truly important things in my life. My appreciation for strong girlfriends grew hundredfold. The dark cloud of addiction revealed some very silver linings which had been there forever while I had been looking the other way.
What allowed me to change, or what changed in me? I had to admit my powerlessness over my son’s chemical dependency before I could see anything else besides his addiction. When I admitted my powerlessness over his addiction, it released its grasp on me. Don’t change my world, change me.
If you have only recently entered the dark Land of Addiction, I know this seems ridiculous, out of the question. But give yourself time. There are many steps in the experience of a child’s serious illness, and you need to work through them at your own pace. Somewhere along the way, the silver linings will start to catch your eye.
Posted in acceptance, Addiction, Desperation, Eliza, Gratitude, Powerless Tagged Silver Linings Playbook
By My3Sunz on February 19, 2013
There are many forms of loss – employment, illness, relocation, and death. Down to the bone marrow type sadness seem so obvious when a loved one dies. For a long while I did not understand the emotions I felt – why did I always end up crying at counseling sessions? “She is grieving for her son,” a licensed family counselor explained to my husband. I was indignant! – After all, no one has died! I expected her to direct us on how to fix this problem. I continued to deny that I was powerless over my young son’s lives. I was certain my feelings of anxiety, sadness and despair could be eliminated once their problems were corrected. This same professional told us to go to an Al-Anon meeting and that local schedules were at the front desk. I barked back, “I do not have a problem! Why would I need to go to a support group”? I didn’t know what Al-Anon was, but I was certain it did not have anything that would help me. It took another 2 years after this professional encounter for the progression of the disease to send me to my knees. My sponsor says “if you think you know everything, then you are not willing to learn.” That’s exactly what was happening back then. I thought I had the answers and knew what needed to happen. But, that said, things did not get better, they got worse. Eventually I came to a place where I knew I could not do this anymore – in desperation, I surrendered! I sought help and became willing to keep an open mind about the help available to me.
I accept that bereavement is a real emotion and I stopped trying to outsmart it or deny it. Yes, my loved ones are living, but I was grieving the loss of my hopes and dreams for them. I was sad they were unable to pull themselves out of “it” with ease and simplicity. I wished they did not suffer and I wished I could save them. It was insanity to think I could cure it and deny how I really felt. I was overwhelmed with sadness and grieved about the way I might have behaved differently knowing better. Truth is I did not know much about addiction. Once I understood the complexity of this disease, I had to let go of that too. When you know better, you do better. Surrendering and letting go of the past helped me move into the present with a new sense of hope, a gain from the senseless loss.
Posted in Al-Anon, Denial, Desperation, Grieving, Letting Go, My 3 Sunz Tagged addiction, Al-Anon, Grieving, support group
By My3Sunz on November 2, 2012
In desperation about my inability to stop my young son’s substance abuse, my efforts to stop them were intensified. I was doing the same things but now with a blind urgency. If I was laying down consequences, this time I would yell at them in frustration. If I suspected they were lying, now I would investigate and carry on surveillance. My further concerns about my own health prompted me to contact the rehabilitation department of Kaiser Permanente. I had actually visited their rehab center months before. Back then I was “interviewing them” to determine if their 12 Step Recovery program was “good enough” for my son. He never went, but in a moment of clarity I remembered being there and I called them back and desperately asked “do you have anything for the parents of addicts?” In fact they did – a 6 month Co-dependent (CODA) program. I soon learned that their program had been nationally recognized. One of their requirements of enrollment was to attend a 12-step program such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, twice a week. This gave credibility to the 12 step programs which I had heard about before and completely dismissed as something the “addicts” needed, not me. It took a while to realize my love could not save the ones I love. There were other hard lessons such as financial ruin as these young adults chasing their next fix would put us at risk for lawsuits and such. I had to admit that what I’d been doing over and over, each time expecting different results, was insanity. I had to let go of my notion that I could control it! My love for them was making my life unmanageable as I tried to save them, hanging on tightly. I was also learning about codependency and why people said alcoholism and drug addiction is a family disease. This was a milestone – a big changing point for me. Today I do things and think about things differently. A complete change in my life direction, one that I am very fortunate to have found. Finding people who work in addiction and related fields and being embraced by those who give service to help others find a better way to live whether the addict is using or not continues to work in my life today.
Posted in 12 Step Recovery Program, Addiction, Al-Anon, alcoholism, Co-dependency, Desperation, Family Disease, Frustration, Love, My 3 Sunz, Recovery, Rehabilitation Tagged 12 step, addiction, co-dependency, recovery
By My3Sunz on October 19, 2012
Journaling is a great way to remind me how far I’ve grown from the grief stricken years of failure in getting my children to change their alcohol and drug abuse. In the course of years, the gradual, escalation of problems was not easy to see while in the midst of the drama. I remember feeling paralyzed realizing that all my actions and heartfelt attempts to parent them “out of trouble” was further encouragement to continue. A new term, co-dependency was on my radar and it was not a label I was proud of. When I read my early entries, I can really see how clueless I was but the pain and suffering was no joke and I feel it through the written words it as if it were yesterday.
I have to remember the problem evolved slowly, over many years and there was no specific event that created it. And to accept the solution lies not in a quick fix, but in a gradual series of changed behavior on my part seemed insurmountable. I just didn’t get it. But I was willing to try anything, desperate and frightened of the consequences of continued substance abuse. Then there was that black hole where I understood my usual tactics were no longer useful, my new awareness of co-dependency reinforced my understanding, and the unknown of how to move forward correctly. This was a necessary affect in order for me to take action and it involved a willingness to have a leap of faith. I did not and could not have done this alone, I sought help.
I believe in my heart the same process of change applies to my loved ones. They must come to a place of intolerance for the situation, desperate for change and willingness to try another way. I no longer imagine what that will look like, or what program of recovery will work for them. I admit there was a place and time I thought I knew what they needed in that department too. It’s no longer my business to determine this and if I try, I’m back to being the nagging co-dependent in an instant. This recovery thing takes a lot of work! But it’s worth it.
Posted in Change, Co-dependency, Desperation, Faith, My 3 Sunz Tagged addiction, overcoming co-dependency, recovery
By My3Sunz on September 28, 2012
When my son was younger and I was ignorant about addiction, I was in disbelief he’d be stealing and shocked at the lies. Then I was terrified he’d be arrested or worse. I truly felt I had the power to rescue, if he’d just listen and do what I told him to do. I could not understand why he would not! He’d say he was, he’d say all the right things, but I learned that this was a ploy to get me off his back. His addiction was in charge. Sometimes he meant what he said, but an addict is untrustworthy and he’d end up doing something different. The reality for me about the seriousness of the situation was when I finally understood addiction is a disease and it’s progressive in nature. This explained why no matter what I did, things got worse. There was no way I could keep subsidizing his addiction, he was pouring through money – mine and then others. Each time I thought I’d solve a problem of his, 10 more appeared. The madness seemed never ending. There are no words to describe feeling helpless and desperate. Eventually I found my own 12 Step Recovery program; first through my medical insurance, then Nar-Anon and Al-Anon. This helped me get over the fear, guilt and agony of involvement. This is where I learned how to make reasonable decisions and let go of worry – where I found hope and to discover - it begins with me.
Posted in 12 Step Recovery Program, acceptance, Addiction, Al-Anon, Desperation, Fear, Guilt, Hope, My 3 Sunz, Recovery, rescue Tagged 12 step, Al-Anon, family disease, guilt, hope, recovery
By My3Sunz on August 28, 2012
This was a directive to my son (who paid no attention to my threats). He was in his disease. He’d leave my house in a huff and go directly to Grandma’s house to swoon her over. Things changed drastically, and fast. It wasn’t long before I had grandma complaining to me about the lack of follow-through with my son. I would get the calls, inquires, concerns and complaints – as if I was the “Agent” representing and responsible to the community at large. I took on this obligation because I believed it too, but I was getting resentful. All I wished was that he’d stay away from Grandma because of how it was affecting me and the worry of her well being. Time would reveal the progressive nature of addiction and how the family dynamics would get further strained – a symptom unique to addiction I subsequently learned. Turns out I’m not the only co-dependent!
- Parents: He’s got a drug problem and won’t go to rehab, we are learning more about addiction.
- Grandma: He’s a good boy, “Once he starts working …”
- Parents: We are not going to buy him another car, he isn’t insurable.
- Grandma: I co-signed; I knew you would help with payments…
- Parents: He cannot live in our house, he’s untrustworthy. We believe he has to experience discomfort before he will choose another way.
- Grandma: He’s temporarily living in my home – we discussed my terms and it’s under control.
- Parents: We’re concerned for grandma – she has opened her door and won’t listen to any reasoning!
- Grandma: I can’t turn my back on him and THROW them to the streets!
After bringing Grandma to a few counseling sessions and I witnessed her sentiment I had once felt: Counseling is not giving me the answers I want to hear on how to fix him; therefore, this is a waste of time. I didn’t stop searching for answers. Desperation forced me to find further support and I landed in the Al-Anon Family Group. This is where I learned that I would have to employ boundaries in all my life’s affairs. I learned I could not control my son, his girlfriend, his grandmother, his landlord, his employer… any of THEM. I had choices, and being triangulated was something within my own ability to take control of if I wanted relief and serenity in my life. I found other grandparents in my support group that helped me understand their point of view. I learned compassion and understanding that this disease branches through the family tree, everyone is affected. I learned that the ones I love must decide for themselves, if they want to change, I can’t decide for them.
Posted in Addiction, Al-Anon, Boundaries, Change, Co-dependency, Control, Desperation, Family Disease, home, Love, My 3 Sunz, Relationships, Serenity, Worry Tagged addiction, Al-Anon, boundaries, change, co-dependency, family disease, Worry
By Eliza on July 21, 2012
When I revealed to a friend how I had finally mustered up the strength to set boundaries with my addicted son, she told me, “You were so brave!” I almost laughed– bravery was the last thing on my mind. In fact, I was scared to death, and I was scared of death: scared that my son might overdose or die in a tragic accident, scared that my addiction to his addiction was killing me. I wasn’t brave; I was out of options. I had tried so many things to fix my son, to make him want to stop using and abusing. None of them worked, but I kept trying and trying and trying. The expression, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results” must have been written about me.
But once I laid down the law, I became resolute. “Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean” became a road map for the way I finally learned to set limits. I learned to speak my truth and to stick with it. I learned how to stop caving and waffling under fire. And I learned to set limits lovingly. I didn’t let anger and hatred have a seat at my table; instead, I concentrated on what I could do to help my son and help myself, which was learning to say “No” and “No more.” I wasn’t brave, so I acted strong.
Posted in Boundaries, Desperation, Eliza, Fear Tagged addicted son
By My3Sunz on June 22, 2012
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, young man.’ The driver says, ‘Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 55, I think your radar gun needs calibrating.’ Not looking up from her knitting the mother says: ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’ As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his mom and growls, ‘Mom, please, can you keep your mouth shut for once?’ The mom smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’ As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the young man glowers at his mom and says through clenched teeth, ‘Geez, mother! shut-up!’ The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt – that’s an automatic $75 fine.’ The driver says, ‘Yeah, well, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’ The mom says, “Oh Johnny, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. I’m always reminding you but you just ignore me.’ And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his mother and barks in desperation, ‘WHY DON’T YOU SHUT UP??’
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your son always talk to you this way, Ma’am?’
I love this part……….. :
‘Only when he’s been drinking.’
Posted in Co-dependency, Desperation, My 3 Sunz
Follow Us!
Follow Us!