The Missing Chapter in the Parenting Book

By Eliza on May 22, 2013

A while ago, I read about a book called “Dear Me, a Letter to my 16-Year Old Self.”  Amazon describes the book like this:  “In Dear Me, 75 celebrities, writers, musicians, athletes, and actors have written letters to their younger selves that give words of comfort, warning, humor, and advice. These letters present intimate, moving, and witty insights into some of the world’s most intriguing and admired individuals. By turns funny, surprising, raw, and uplifting, this singular collection captures the universal conditions that are youth, life, and growing up.

It got me thinking—what would I say to my thirty-year old self as I launched my ship into the seas of parenthood?  Maybe something like this…. “Dear Me: As you welcome your first child into the world, the good news is that you are embarking on a wonderful journey of discovery. The bad news is that you don’t get a map of any sort, beyond the wisdom offered by Dr. Spock.  And he doesn’t cover teen substance abuse.  So here is a list of tips to make the sailing smoother:

·         Be clear on your expectations and stick with consequences.

·         No matter what your kids do or don’t do, treat them with love and respect.

·         No matter what you do or don’t do, treat yourself with love and respect.

·         Holding on to past hurts only prolongs the suffering

·         Forgive yourself and others.

·         Know that you did the best job you could do at the time.

Well, that’s a start.  Looking back, what pearls of wisdom would you offer yourself (and others) who have journeyed through the Land of Addiction?

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Sunday Inspiration

By Eliza on May 5, 2013

Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation………Forgiveness does not excuse anything………You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. ”

Wm. Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity

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Sunday Inspiration

By Eliza on March 31, 2013

“People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what’s bitter and move on.”

Bill Cosby

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Moving Forward – Bouncing back to better times

By MomShiningLight on February 14, 2013

I can really relate to this quote:

It does not matter how deep you fall, what matters is how high you bounce back. –Anonymous

I’m sure that everyone at some point in their life looks back and would have done some things differently. And for some who struggle with addiction the depth of the actions they may have taken during the dark days can be quite overwhelming. Yet I do believe the quote and that it is not important to dwell on your past. It is important to see forgiveness and make amends to those that have been harmed in some way. Not only will it repair the relationships but it will help you to find peace.

It is also important to ‘bounce back’ as the quote says. Focusing on the future and moving towards healthy behaviors and relationships has so many rewards. When you are productive and making strides in your life it is so invigorating. As the positive days begin to add up together, the darker times begin to fade. I believe this happens to both those who are in recovery from addiction as well as those of us in recovery for co-dependency. In my journey to ‘bounce back’ it is much more fun to fly up to the future then drop down to the past!

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Keeping perspective – How the hardship of the struggle leads to growing stronger within

By MomShiningLight on January 14, 2013

When I look back on my life and certainly the part where I had a loved one struggling with addiction which led our whole family to a place of pain and suffering, I realize how true this statement is. The greatest growth in my life has been through tragedy. Here is what I learned.

*  It was when I was in the deepest place of fear that I had to learn to let go of it in order to survive, to trust, to move forward even if one day at a time.

*  It was when I was in the deepest place of sadness that I had to cry, to grieve, and to believe that my heart could heal.

*It was when I was in the deepest place of anxiety that I had to be calm, to breathe, and to have faith when I saw nothing to hold on to.

*It was when I was in the deepest place of anger that I to hold back from screaming, to be understanding, to find a way to forgive even when sometimes it was forgiving myself.

*It was when I was in the deepest place of despair that I had to completely understand that I am not alone, to let go and let God if I wanted to find any peace.

 

These are the lessons that came from my ‘greatest pains’ that slowly became my ‘greatest strengths’ as Drew Barrymore so aptly put it. Would I have come to the place of serenity that now have without the tragedies in my life? I’m not sure that I would have. I believe I may have found some piece of mind along the way but I know I would not have realized how precious it was or that I would not be as grateful as I am. I am grateful for the lessons along the way and I know that while I would not have chosen these difficulties in my journey, I accept that this is a part of my life that accumulates and becomes all of the pieces of me and who I am.

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Teen Addiction is a Risky Business

By Eliza on October 31, 2012

 

It’s Halloween, a good time to revisit some of the demons of addiction and possibly vanquish them from my life.  Perhaps I could enlist the services of the 12-year old Zombie Hunter who just knocked on my front door. Guilt is one of the tenacious remnants of my son’s addiction. I know, I know:  I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, I can’t control it. I understand that intellectually, but still….couldn’t I have done something different along the way to derail it?

Possibly not, according to a Time article that focuses on the teen brain and its quest for risk.

In the article, Valerie Reyna, professor of human development and psychology at Cornell University notes that “Because teens have a different style of information processing…they may get lost in the details about specific risks and overly focused on possible rewards, while ignoring the overall ‘gist’ of the problem — i.e., the ultimate consequences.”  Their greater tolerance for uncertainty and the unknown may help them step out into the world, a key task developmentally.  That tolerance for the unknown, coupled with their sense of invincibility, also underpins their willingness to try drugs or alcohol.

It’s actually freeing to understand the powerful biology that drove my son’s initial trysts with drugs and alcohol.  Being a more demanding/friendlier/better/worse/more disciplined/less controlling mom probably wouldn’t have curtailed his initial experimentation.  It all comes down to the decisions he made under the influence of his risk-seeking or risk-adverse brain.  I was powerless over his adolescent risk-taking, just as I am powerless over the alcohol that made his and my life unmanageable.  Note to self:  see Step One and stop being so hard on myself.

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Forgiveness is Freedom – Start by forgiving ourselves along with our addicted loved ones

By MomShiningLight on July 2, 2012

During the turmoil of living with a loved one struggling with addiction a lot of hurtful things are done and said. This is not only true of the addict and their behaviors, but also for those of us in the relationships and families surrounding the addict. We often put our focus on the addict and how we need to come to terms with forgiving him or her. It is very healthy for everyone when we can forgive. I believe we all know that forgiveness lends itself to a sense of freedom from a heavy burden. When we forgive it is like a large, collective sigh, a chance to breathe deep and know you have opened your heart.
We often forget that we also need to forgive ourselves. I know that I have a lot of guilt and regret from so many aspects related to my daughters’ addiction. I can easily list a number of things that I would do different now that I know what I know. I can also reflect on how I’ve handled various situations and how it would nice to have a chance to do it different. Yet, we cannot go back, we can only go forward. Part of going forward for me was to forgive myself and to know that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I can also know that I will do whatever I can to help others in the hope that in some small way, I can make a difference. And I can start by forgiving myself.

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Catch and Release

By Eliza on April 21, 2012

Ronald Reagan’s once wayward daughter penned a beautiful tribute to him in a Time magazine where she wrote of his “allowing the residue of my rebellious years and the hurt I caused him to blow away like dust….” I hope I have the grace to fully forgive my son for his youthful transgressions and poor choices.  I need to master the art of forgiveness for his sake and for mine.

Forgiveness is a bit like fishing in a catch and release stream.  If you don’t let the fish off the hook and release it back into the stream, it will die.  And you might die a little bit, too, for causing unnecessary harm. I need to let my son off the hook—figuratively and metaphorically–or I will continue to suffer as I inflict his addiction on me.  I need to forgive him in order to neutralize the poison that leaches through my brain when I chewl on past wrongs and bad choices.  …to end the self-recrimination of should have//would have/could have….to open my spirit to the possibilities of the moment instead of the fears of the past.

I need to forgive him for his sake, too.  He didn’t become an addict intentionally or plan to bring  pain on our family.  His motives, like most teenagers, revolved around fitting in and feeling better about himself or simply feeling better. If I can fully forgive, I will free both of us from the mistakes of his youth and leave yesterday firmly in our wake.

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Affirmation of Forgiveness

By Eliza on April 8, 2012

“I am willing to be willing to forgive those who have hurt me.

I am willing to be able to forgive those who have hurt me.

I forgive those who have hurt me.

I see the hurt I have suffered as an opportunity to learn compassion.

I thank life for giving me a spirit that is forgiving and compassionate.”

 

-Author Unknown

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Changed Thinking

By My3Sunz on January 3, 2012

I think about Hope differently and especially with the turn of a new year. It was in the New Year, and in January of years gone by when sudden and terrible events changed my course in recovery. My sons were arrested. This time was serious. This time things would be different. My hope went from “I hope they will…” to “I hope I can …” This was not an overnight phenomenon. Over time, working the steps with a Sponsor, giving service, and attending Al-Anon meetings regularly, something changed in me.

Was it the fact my sons progressed in their disease and my humility was exposed? From an outsider, things appeared to be getting worse not better. Nonetheless, the focus of my conscience mind was no longer on them 100% of the time – Was it a result of my own growth in recovery from the family disease? More than likely it was a combination of all these things. One day I realized I was no longer consumed by them or other things I could recognize as “outside my control.” I began to get a better understanding of the disease. I gained compassion and empathy to friends and family afflicted. I could no longer lecture or give advice on other people’s matters. I had to acknowledge my limits and stick to my own experience, strength and hope.

My hope today focuses on my own recovery, reaching out to others and giving service. Maybe my experience, like those who shared their experiences before me, will be a beacon of Hope to someone else – it’s not for me to figure out. Somewhere in the recovery community I felt hope and realized it’s a unique, individual awakening and choice to live life fully. There can be joy. There can be happiness. I’m hopeful because recovery is for anyone who wants it.

 

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