It’s been a long while since this has happened in my house. But I don’t have to think too hard to remember when it did and how incredibly stressful it was. It was the proverbial walking on eggshells always wanting to make sure that something didn’t get said or done that would set off a negative chain of events. I learned the hard way that I really didn’t need to take the abuse and that when I started setting boundaries and sticking to them (the hard part!) that slowly things started to change. An addict is very much like a two year old throwing a tantrum, if you let them get away with it then it will just keep happening again and again. Stay strong in setting and holding your boundaries to protect yourself and your family. This will help you to reclaim the peace and serenity in your household that you deserve to have every day.

It can be easy to set an expectation with our kids but the hard part is holding them to it. Yet just like the quote above it can be painful when you don’t put your foot down. When my daughter was active in her addiction I was tested day in and day out on this challenge. I would make a declaration like, ‘You have to be home by midnight.’ Yet midnight would come and go and often she would not be home. Or ‘You cannot live in our house if you are abusing drugs and alcohol.’ Yet she would continue. I would classify my lack of follow through on my boundaries and expectations in two categories; fear or exhaustion. Sometimes it was just so exhausting with the fighting and constant struggle to keep on top of what was actually happening that I would go back to a place of denial and try to carry on with daily activities. Other times, and this would be most of the time, it was out of fear that I would not confront the issue. It was my fear of what would happen to my daughter if I followed through on a consequence that would lead to her leaving and then I would be worried about what would happen to her. What was interesting was that sometimes when I actually stood my ground then it would work out okay and my fears would be unfounded. But sometimes it didn’t always work out that way. Sometimes unpleasant things would happen. The fact is that sometimes when we hold our kids accountable and they make choices that lead to discomfort because we don’t allow them to take advantage of us anymore they actually learn and grow. Sometimes it is slow and painful but it is usually better than staying in a place that is chaotic and disrespectful for the whole family.

I have worked hard to set clear expectations with true consequences. I do this very well in many cases. My daughter knows that if she were to abuse any substances she would not be welcome in my home – no question that I would follow through on this. She is aware that she has responsibilities to pay on her financial obligations and that I will not step in and bail her out. It has helped her to grow and mature into a responsible adult. I think about something that needs to be addressed and I resolve that if I am going to set an expectation, that I will be ready to follow through on the consequence if need be. And I know that is the hard part but if done right at the beginning it is the most respectful thing to myself and my kids. It’s interesting that we go through this very early in our kids’ lives. When they are in their ‘terrible twos’ they begin to exert their demands and we all know that if you tell them no and they keep at it, once you cave in they then know that they can take advantage of the situation next time. If you hold your ground, even though it’s uncomfortable and difficult, the future tantrums will begin to curtail. Then as our kids get into their teens we seem to go through it again. Then if you are like our family and have the misfortune of a family member struggling with addiction it gets very intense when you try to draw boundaries and enforce consequences. I’ve learned over the years to be as consistent as I possibly can and follow this wise slogan; ‘Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.’

For me, the key is to consciously grasp what I can and cannot control.  I can’t keep my son from stepping in it, but I can keep him from tracking his mess all over my floor.  If he chooses to step in poop, I choose to set down rules about how and when he enters my home. Poopy shoes and those who wear them are not welcome in my home.

Less figuratively, I have the right to say that if he chooses to drink or use, then I have the right to say No.  No food.  No shelter.  No aiding and abetting addiction or alcoholism.  If my child wants help getting healthy, that’s one thing; if he wants help to keep the party going, then count me out.

Maybe that’s called looking out for Number One.  Maybe that’s laying down some healthy boundaries. Maybe when I stop cleaning up his messes he will learn to avoid stepping in them in the first place.

You can ignore your child’s bizarre or irresponsible behavior, rather than poke a stick in the hornet’s nest.  Quite simply, it is so much easier to walk away than provoke their anger or cause a scene.  In the meantime, the rest of the family bears the burden of their irresponsibility, especially the “good” siblings who often have to clean up the addict’s mess.  I remember getting angry at my sober son for not intervening when his sibling was veering out of control.  How fair was that??  So the “good” kid is bears the blame for a sibling’s irresponsible behavior, while the addict skates off scot-free.

Your family events may hang in limbo because you never know who will show up for the holiday dinner or other celebration.  Will it be the delightful daughter or the snarling son?  The success of the gathering hangs in the balance, hinging on a single person’s ability to throw everything out of whack.

You might remain vigilant and keep an explanation in your back pocket to explain your child’s absence or foul mood.  “He’s got the flu” or “She got called into work at the last minute.”  Saving face requires a Herculean effort. We all pay a price for these exhausting balancing acts and charades. They deplete us while protecting the addict from the consequence of their poor choices.

There is no easy answer.  Maintaining your balance while walking on eggshells (and becoming crazy along the way) or revealing to others that you are struggling with a serious problem can throw the entire family out of whack, if not destroy the day entirely.  But there are some preemptive strikes you can take.  Check out Carole Bennett’s great advice at “It’s the Holidays- Are Your Boundaries with the Alcoholic/Addict Wrapped Up Tight?” And here’s hoping you’re your holidays are happy and healthy for all.

One of my friends and her husband bought a camper so they could retreat into the wild and walk on pine needles instead of eggshells.  Other friends have kicked their kids out of their homes but permitted them to sleep in the yard or in the garage, a safe outpost that (in theory) spares the rest of the home from the insanity.  I wouldn’t permit my son into our home when we were vacationing overseas, so he spent one Christmas Eve in the Hotel Honda in our driveway.   Was he in my home?  No.  Was he in my head?  Yes.

We mirror our children:  while our loved ones obsess about their drug of choice, we obsess about their addiction, and we unwittingly let those obsessions commandeer our thoughts and dominate our lives.  When you are wrestling with addiction, you carry it with you like nuclear waste until you learn to evict it from your thoughts.  Flex your mental muscle, dwell on the Serenity Prayer, take charge of your brain and do whatever you need to do to vanquish addiction from your mind.

For several years with distressing predictability, our Saturday nights were pierced by an SOS call from our son.   My previous ring tone, long since vanquished from my phone, used to make me jump out of my skin;  a causal trip to Target would explode into an anxiety firestorm if I heard my ex-ringtone peal from a stranger’s purse. But I’ve lived to tell the tale and report that my PTSD is has subsided greatly since I’ve established healthy boundaries for my son and myself. You call the shots in your head, where you hold the power and can deny entrance to the unwanted visitor of addiction.

Please share the Collision Course – Teen Addiction Epidemic documentary to help stop teen addiction before it starts.

It got me to thinking about my own attempt to get my mind around the Higher Power concept. Al-Anon’s 12- Steps, adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous, were simply something on poster boards to alert me that my sons would need to pay attention to that so they could get better. I never considered that it would have anything to do with me. Once I realized my part in the illness – the family disease of drug and alcohol addiction, I wanted relief from the anguish and worry. I slowly realized it would take work. I made the decision to obtain a sponsor and I had to work my own 12-Step program of recovery. Until I accepted where I was, I disregarded the concept of turning anything over to a power greater than myself. Why do I need to bother with any of this? I’m not the one with the problem!

The 12-step recovery program through Al-Anon family groups was exactly what I needed. I slowly became willing and embraced the necessary steps for a spiritual awakening. I was using “pointers” in the language of recovery. I heard and casually picked up the term, Higher Power, which came from the people in the program, not the program itself. There are several references in the steps that point to a Power, greater than ourselves and to a God, as we understood Him, the latter was up to me to figure out. There is no wrong way. It was evident Echart made no judgment. He simply offered an alternative language to the term “Higher Power” which to him is “Inner Power.” It is faith that this Power, whatever words you use to describe, that restores us to sanity.

My program of recovery through Al-Anon is a spiritual one that offers a solution for living in constant fear. I have tools that help me discern if my thoughts are about things I am powerless over. I seek the help from my Higher Power rather than battle it on my own. I am presented with options that are calm, rational, secure and serene. I am powerless over the fearful feelings, but I’m not helpless.

I know my biggest fear is when he’s wrapped up in legal matters while struggling with addiction. I fear that he is isolating, alone, sad and helpless. These are my fears. I begin to question his ability to live life independently. Is he mentally incapable? Should I be thinking about conservatorship? I’ve gone from drug addiction to permanent disability from a dream!  This is my disease and it’s baffling. Turning to a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. I’ve come to recognize my family’s insanity has manifested itself through emotional and verbal abuse, subtle and harmful. These are the side-effects of the family disease. If I continue to express myself based on my disease and fears, I will perpetuate the legacy. When I trust these feelings as such and see that I have choices in my reaction to them, I am able to carry on with Faith not Fear. I turn to my Higher Power and pray to be restored to sanity - Step 2.

In the normal course of events I suppose every parent will worry about their young adults moving out, moving on and learning to be independent, young contributors in the world.

How’s it look in the abnormal course of events?  Seeing your child make choices that lead to increasing incidents of serious trouble and consequences is unbearable to face. This causes abnormal responses from the people who love them. Having a child with chemical dependency is not the norm. And the lifestyle that comes from chemical dependency goes against every moral fabric of character. Living in fear is not normal. Being disrespected, lied to or taken advantage of is not normal. Living in anguish and worry is not normal. Spending every conscience moment thinking, strategizing or anticipating the next move of your child is not normal. Questioning your own values, questioning your own parenting skills, questioning decisions you made early in their development – or, wising for do-overs is not normal. I did this and it’s just plain crazy!  But I did not know another way. This turmoil is not only frightening, but very isolating and lonely.

I’ve since learned about the family disease – how it slowly permeates your fiber of being. The lifestyle of negativity became my new normal. Hope that there is help seemed unobtainable or just not possible, hopeless and helpless. After repeated attempts to fix the problem, some of us hit a wall. Sometimes the wall is an event that “shakes us up.” For me it was the physical ramifications of living in a state of combat, fighting for what was clearly being taken: my child.  Such experiences included what medical professionals call “stress related disorders.” You need to remove some of the stress in your life! Oh that? OK – how? My only idea was to fix the addiction, that was the problem.  Thus, my life would be stress free! But this wasn’t working out so well.

In Al-Anon I learn my terminal uniqueness is relatable to others with similar circumstances – they shared the same thoughts, actions and responses that I had! We are introduced to a concept that removes our old way of thinking and shown how we can make decisions that change our circumstances. The solution is not what we thought it would be, and another form of normalcy is introduced – One that holds happiness, joy, freedom and serenity. Then again, what is normal anyway?