There’s a sadness that sometimes envelopes me when I think of my son, especially if I have not heard from him in a while. I recently experienced this one sleepless night. What triggered it, I do not know for sure. Perhaps it’s the large stack of mail from creditors and banks. They sit on the counter as a constant visual reminding me to be afraid. Last night was a sleepless night with short minuets of events that felt real. In one, my son calls me while at his bank. The banker tells him his fraudulent activity with his account has resulted in his return to prison. Can they do that he asks? I can hear the banker in the background as my son puts the phone aside as if he were going to get back on and finish our conversation. Instead, he moves about, there are muffled conversations, he gets in his car and all the while I’m listening. I’m waiting. I’m getting fearful. What’s he doing? Is that police sirens I hear? Hello?
I know my biggest fear is when he’s wrapped up in legal matters while struggling with addiction. I fear that he is isolating, alone, sad and helpless. These are my fears. I begin to question his ability to live life independently. Is he mentally incapable? Should I be thinking about conservatorship? I’ve gone from drug addiction to permanent disability from a dream! This is my disease and it’s baffling. Turning to a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. I’ve come to recognize my family’s insanity has manifested itself through emotional and verbal abuse, subtle and harmful. These are the side-effects of the family disease. If I continue to express myself based on my disease and fears, I will perpetuate the legacy. When I trust these feelings as such and see that I have choices in my reaction to them, I am able to carry on with Faith not Fear. I turn to my Higher Power and pray to be restored to sanity - Step 2.