I’m one of those people who struggle with remembering names.  I learned in a sales class that using an association with the name helps in recall.  For example, I’m introduced to Betty.  She has dark, jet black/blue hair.  I think of Archie Comic Books, Veronica & Betty.  Betty has Veronica’s hair!  This amount of time devoted to remembering Betty has only been a few seconds but is somehow lodged in my brain to not forget Jet Black/Blue Hair Betty. 

Association comes in handy on other areas of my life, especially when my fears and concerns about my adult children take over my thoughts.  These thoughts tend to be negative and are always masked under the cloak of good mothering.  I will forget all that I’ve learned about my stinking thinking.  I find myself worrying and wondering if he is cold, alone, hungry, hurt and a host of other terrible things.  And to add injury, I’ll invite responses to vindicate my negative concerns.  I may resort to rescuing and have completely relapsed into codependency.  Such behavior is odd when seen from the outside, but for those of us who have a child struggle in addiction or alcoholism; this is how we roll.  And it is here I’m triggered to ask myself if I’m doing anyone any good, especially for myself.  I’m acting out of self preservation from fear, not the supportive and accepting, loving mother I strive to be.  What am I forgetting?

 Mothering rhymes with smothering.  

My fears and worries turn mothering into smothering.   I don’t want to suffocate anyone.  I’m not proud to add guilt to someone’s low self esteem and today I have tools to help me navigate out of my own stinking thinking. 

It used to bother me when the doctor would say my problem was stress. I felt it was a cop-out.  What I did not know is that stress is not reality; stress is how my mind reacts to the reality around it. The old adage  “things upset me” versus “I upset me” point of view. But then my mind would say, “my son’s drug problem upsets me, and when he gets better, I won’t have stress anymore.” This type of thinking did not help me or my son in anyway. It kept me in a circular self-defeating mind set.

Sometimes change is forced on us. It wasn’t like I made a conscience effort to seek help for myself, I stumbled on the notion I needed help while searching for help for my sons. I had to experience desperation which opened up a willingness to try a new way to manage an old problem. The disease of addiction is progressive as were my negative thoughts. My symptoms became greater than my desire to maintain familiar tactics.  It was this force, greater than me, that propelled me to change.  I just wanted to feel better.   I think I will.

What if…

If only…

It turns out this is not a very healthy way to live. In the end, I’m not in the presence of the present, I’m somewhere else and soon I’m losing control over everything. How can I possibly help those around me when my life is out-of-control?

Recovery from the family disease helps us let go of useless thoughts about future events that have not happened or wasting time dwelling on the past that can never be undone.  We take it slow and are no longer absent from the present.  We start to get a better grip on ourselves, and we begin to understand our role in relation to the disease.

Return to Sender, address unknown, 

No such number, no such zone.

This is not the mother I wanted to be! How could I be concerned but not consumed? How was it possible to love them unconditionally when my fear for their life was at stake? I was so obsessed with their problems, thinking I knew the answer; I would bring home pamphlets from on Alcoholics Anonymous and leave the literature scattered around the house in hopes they would pick it up and see the light!  That never worked either.

After being in Al-Anon for a while, I eventually learned tools to keep the focus on me and stay out of their business. Slowly I began to see results. One example I still remember to this day was when my son called and asked if he could come over for dinner and “talk.” Many recent events had happened that were concerning – I was well aware of where he was: jobless, homeless and alone. I was a little apprehensive, wondering what news he would bring this time. After a nice dinner with general conversation, he shared that he thought he might have a drinking problem. Oddly, I was elated to hear him admit a problem. There were 3 things I was able to do that day that made me proud of my program. I said “oh” which helped me compose my thoughts before blurting out something hurtful or unnecessary. The next thing out of my mouth was that I did not know if he was an alcoholic or not but that there were people who could help him learn about it and that I might still have their pamphlet. (I prayed I still had all the literature long put away). When he was getting ready to leave and I had no idea where he was staying (in his car?) I let him know how much I loved him and that I hoped to see him soon.

The most important lesson for me was that by being non-judgmental, not pretending to know the answer, and further, not turning his confidence into a nagging session, I was able to be the mother I want to always be: RESPECTFUL, CARING, and LOVING. I helped where I could then I allowed him to decide what he would do with it. Then I turned it over to my Higher Power, as I placed my son’s name into my God Box later that night. This released me from obsessive thoughts of worry that before had consumed me.

Living a happy, joyful life is a right for each and every one of us. Yet sometimes our lives take a turn for the worse; whether an accident, illness or just bad luck we aren’t always in control of these events. In the case of a loved one struggling with addiction we often have the illusion that we can control, contain or somehow change the course. And in our effort to do this we find our own lives in a downward spiral. We wake up one day and wonder how it all got so bad and how in the world am I going to get back to a day without disruption, pain and worry. Yet we all know deep inside that we can somehow, someway find our way back. I love Ayn Rands quote and especially the last sentence, ‘It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.’

The road back may not be easy but we must persevere to a place where we feel whole again. In the depths of my despair I can share with you that there were times when I felt hopeless and helpless. Yet when I pulled from deep within myself I realized that I had to take the steps to get to the world that I desired. I had to ‘detach with love’ from my daughter and her addiction. I did not ever detach from loving her but I did detach from the chaos of her life. In doing so I gave her the opportunity to start solving her dilemmas and it was amazing how she also began to reclaim her life and move towards the life she desired. Step by step the healing began and a horizon to the life we both desired was in reach.

• Learn everything you can about the disease of addiction. Our book list is a good place to start.

• Find support.  There are Al-Anon Family Groups in many cities and online. Consider family or personal counseling.

• Attend an open AA meeting to hear firsthand from those who are embracing their recovery. Never lose faith that your child can join the twenty million Americans in long-term recovery.

• Talk with your close family members so everyone is on the same page about the disease.  Secrets and sickness fester in dark corners.

• Try to understand that there is no more shame in a chemically dependent child than a child with diabetes or cancer.

• Take care of yourself.  Anxiety and stress can make you sick, too.  Read The Mood Cure to understand the role that nutrition plays in your family’s health.

• Feel your anger and your pain.  Bottled-up anger makes you sick.

• Learn to set healthy boundaries with love.  Check out our “Boundaries Meeting in a Box.”

• It’s OK to hate the addiction, but try to love your child. Let your child know that you love him or her , even though you hate the choices they made and the behaviors that came along for the ride.

• Hold on to hope, one minute or one hour or one day at a time.

-Author Unknown