By My3Sunz on January 18, 2013
I am affected by someone else’s drug addiction. Addiction and alcoholism was not a part of my life growing up. It happened to other families and far away. I did not know anything about 12-Step programs such as AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), NA (Narcotics Anonymous), and certainly not anything about Al-Anon or Nar-Anon and the “family disease”. Then, when my sons reached late teens, I searched for help because my attempts to control, diffuse, deflect, manage, assist, help or buy a temporary fix to their risky behavior was failing miserably. My life was getting out of control the more I tried to control them. I thought I was researching a solution to fix their problem and in so doing, I discovered I had a problem too. I was obsessed with what they were doing. This obsession has a name: co-dependency. So the help that I sought turned out to be a life-rope for me too.
In a 12-Step program that helps those who have been affected by someone else’s drinking, it is suggested you learn as much as you can about the disease. In so doing, I learned the hard reality: Alcoholism and addiction, if untreated, will lead to incarceration or death. I knew addiction was a serious problem but I didn’t know the full story. I also did not know what to do or how to help. I did not realize it was a disease. Using conventional wisdom, my mothering tendencies were not helping and in some cases were actually harming them. This kind of relationship has a name: Family disease.
The Al-Anon Family Groups taught me how to be a loving mother and still enjoy life. I learned that I did not cause the disease, could not control the disease or cure it. I continue to gain tools to help me overcome the devastating effects of this family disease. This could only happen with the experience and kindness of others who have gone before me and for this I am thankful.
Posted in 12 Step Program, AA, Al-Anon, alcoholism, Co-dependency, Family Disease, My 3 Sunz Tagged 12 step, Al-Anon, alcoholism, family disease
By My3Sunz on November 20, 2012
She had a breakdown; her therapist said it was a “spiritual awakening”. Brené Brown, a qualitative researcher, offers an insightful take on what normal healthy grounded wholehearted people possess in terms of character traits. Her light-hearted short presentation on vulnerability and shame from years of her research is worth viewing. What’s interesting to me is her explanation that we cannot mask certain emotions. If we try to mask shame, then we also numb joy. We medicate, spend, overeat, overwork, and/or control our way through discomfort; numbing all faucets of the full emotional spectrum.
At the end of Brown’s video, one of many golden nuggets I appreciated: as parents our job is to understand our children are born hard wired for struggle and imperfection. We all are. Our role is to show them they are not defined by this, they are worthy of love and belonging. Yet we have to believe these concepts ourselves first.
My experience of hitting bottom, my own breakdown, was a necessary predecessor to my spiritual awakening. Al-Anon and working the 12-Steps has helped me get a better grip on ME; it seems I wasn’t very good at anything once the family disease took hold and I started NUMBING the emotions, especially shame and vulnerability. When a child was born, so was a mother. I have my life to work on this and it’s not too late. There is hope. Joy. Sadness. Fear. The emotional spectrum is no longer something I try to filter because I’ll deny the daily miracles.
Posted in 12 Step Program, Al-Anon, Control, Denial, Fear, My 3 Sunz, Spirituality Tagged 12 step, Al-Anon, Spiritual Awakening
By My3Sunz on November 13, 2012
For a long time I did not understand how my loved one’s substance abuse was my problem. In fact, I was quick to point out that they were the ones with the problem, not me! Then I heard an analogy of the how this family disease works. If you put a frog in boiling water, it will immediately jump out. If you put a frog in tepid water and slowly turn up the heat, it will cook to death because it did not recognize the change in temperature was in fact lethal. True or not, the story has been used in 12-step rooms to illustrate the family disease. Alcoholics Anonymous has recognized the family disease since inception, but oddly, there is limited research to support the family disease model. Nonetheless, professionals in the treatment community often look at substance abuse as a disease that affects the entire family. Many professionals suggest the family attend a 12-Step meeting. Another term equated with the family disease is codependency, a condition that develops in relationships where the non-addicted person enables the abuser to continue. According to Wikipedia, “Codependency describes behavior, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or care taking.”
It took a long time for me to understand this “family disease” notion. I could not deny the similarities of other people in like-situations. Like me, their loved one’s drinking and drugging was upsetting them (to put it mildly). We seemed to share the same symptoms. Upon hearing the frog in boiling water story, it clicked. As the heat turned up, my reaction was to normalize and cope with increasingly bizarre and unacceptable behavior. There were “incidences” that were escalating, but I casually excused it – “Oh, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.” As time passed, no matter how bad the chaos and insanity really was, I did not feel the temperature rise!
Eventually, with help, I realized my inability to control them (denying the temperature change) and that I was going to boil to death. My rescuing behavior created an environment that made it easier for them to continue. I was hurting not only them, but myself and others around me too. It was time to jump out of the pot!
Posted in 12 Step Program, AA, Addiction, Co-dependency, Family Disease, My 3 Sunz Tagged 12 step, addiction, co-dependency, family disease
By My3Sunz on November 6, 2012
Trying to manage addiction is like willing a train to stop. No matter how hard I concentrate on it, the train is moving with or without me. Depending on my location, I either get run over, passed by, moved or left behind. Ultimately, addiction moved on but I lost who I was and what was really important to me. I remember my job’s demands were accelerating parallel to the addiction progression in my family. I was traveling several weeks a year away from home and I looked forward to leaving. I fantasized that if I could move far, far, away, the problems would go away. But the worry never left, nor did the problems when I returned home. I could engulf myself in long term projects to avoid feelings of failure as a mother. I heard a speaker at a 12-Step meeting say “everywhere I go, there I am!” and another said “nothing like Arkansas in the rear view mirror!” It made sense, intuitively; running away would not solve my problem because I was somehow connected to it.
At some point I had to face the reality. This was not going away or going to get better unless I decided to do something different. I had to make some changes, but how? Joining a support group with similar circumstances and seeking professional help was a good start. When I started to put the focus on myself and stop waiting for others to change, my life started to get better. My decision to change my behavior versus running away from the problems in my life was frightening at first. But overcoming this fear of unknown was worth the risk of continuing as is. Get on! Get off! Move out of the way…Do something within your control.
Posted in 12 Step Program, Addiction, Change, Control, Fear, home, My 3 Sunz, Substance Abuse Tagged 12 step, change, substance abuse
By My3Sunz on November 2, 2012
In desperation about my inability to stop my young son’s substance abuse, my efforts to stop them were intensified. I was doing the same things but now with a blind urgency. If I was laying down consequences, this time I would yell at them in frustration. If I suspected they were lying, now I would investigate and carry on surveillance. My further concerns about my own health prompted me to contact the rehabilitation department of Kaiser Permanente. I had actually visited their rehab center months before. Back then I was “interviewing them” to determine if their 12 Step Recovery program was “good enough” for my son. He never went, but in a moment of clarity I remembered being there and I called them back and desperately asked “do you have anything for the parents of addicts?” In fact they did – a 6 month Co-dependent (CODA) program. I soon learned that their program had been nationally recognized. One of their requirements of enrollment was to attend a 12-step program such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, twice a week. This gave credibility to the 12 step programs which I had heard about before and completely dismissed as something the “addicts” needed, not me. It took a while to realize my love could not save the ones I love. There were other hard lessons such as financial ruin as these young adults chasing their next fix would put us at risk for lawsuits and such. I had to admit that what I’d been doing over and over, each time expecting different results, was insanity. I had to let go of my notion that I could control it! My love for them was making my life unmanageable as I tried to save them, hanging on tightly. I was also learning about codependency and why people said alcoholism and drug addiction is a family disease. This was a milestone – a big changing point for me. Today I do things and think about things differently. A complete change in my life direction, one that I am very fortunate to have found. Finding people who work in addiction and related fields and being embraced by those who give service to help others find a better way to live whether the addict is using or not continues to work in my life today.
Posted in 12 Step Recovery Program, Addiction, Al-Anon, alcoholism, Co-dependency, Desperation, Family Disease, Frustration, Love, My 3 Sunz, Recovery, Rehabilitation Tagged 12 step, addiction, co-dependency, recovery
By My3Sunz on September 28, 2012
When my son was younger and I was ignorant about addiction, I was in disbelief he’d be stealing and shocked at the lies. Then I was terrified he’d be arrested or worse. I truly felt I had the power to rescue, if he’d just listen and do what I told him to do. I could not understand why he would not! He’d say he was, he’d say all the right things, but I learned that this was a ploy to get me off his back. His addiction was in charge. Sometimes he meant what he said, but an addict is untrustworthy and he’d end up doing something different. The reality for me about the seriousness of the situation was when I finally understood addiction is a disease and it’s progressive in nature. This explained why no matter what I did, things got worse. There was no way I could keep subsidizing his addiction, he was pouring through money – mine and then others. Each time I thought I’d solve a problem of his, 10 more appeared. The madness seemed never ending. There are no words to describe feeling helpless and desperate. Eventually I found my own 12 Step Recovery program; first through my medical insurance, then Nar-Anon and Al-Anon. This helped me get over the fear, guilt and agony of involvement. This is where I learned how to make reasonable decisions and let go of worry – where I found hope and to discover - it begins with me.
Posted in 12 Step Recovery Program, acceptance, Addiction, Al-Anon, Desperation, Fear, Guilt, Hope, My 3 Sunz, Recovery, rescue Tagged 12 step, Al-Anon, family disease, guilt, hope, recovery
By My3Sunz on September 4, 2012
When I follow the years of progression of the disease of addiction with my son, I sometimes see 10+ years having gone down the drain. Now, for a 50 odd year old, one year flies by at the speed of light and a whole lot can be accomplished! For a 20 year old, 10 years seems a lifetime. It’s a matter of perspective. However it feels, it’s still 10 years and sometimes I’m overtaken with despair.
I now realize that the 10+ years past is what it’s supposed to be; I don’t have any right to judge the usefulness of it. I sometimes question, when will he choose recovery? Will he ever? How can there be hope when over and over the same thing happens and it’s never good. This is the time I find myself going to a 12-Step Recovery Program, open to the public: AA or NA , where I can listen to others in recovery. It’s a good way to get re-energized. I’ve even found recordings on the internet to download of recovered persons who share their story. There is so much hope in their stories. By listening to them, I learn about the disease and it gives me another perspective to understand that recovery happens for each person differently, and on different time lines. Rarely do I hear someone speak on the help they got from their mom or dad. Sometimes there is an honorable mention to Al-Anon, where friends and family learned to stop enabling. The true source of help is inevitably something bigger than me or someone else – the unknown source, a Power, Greater than I – something I’ve come to welcome. I observe that some find recovery early, some get it years and years later. Sadly, some never get it. For the latter possibility, I’m reminded to be thankful each moment that I’m afforded an opportunity to see, hear or be in some sort of communication with my adult children. Years can fly by or the opposite. Sometimes days, and even hours can drag out for an eternity. Either way, if I stay in the presence of a Power, greater than myself, I can find serenity in the knowledge that when and if they ever decide, someone will be there to offer a new way to do life, with their own hope for the future. I can let go of my need to be overly involved and learn how to be a loving parent, unconditionally, when opportunities present themselves.
Posted in 12 Step Recovery Program, AA, Al-Anon, Enable, Gratitude, Higher Power, Hope, My 3 Sunz, Serenity Tagged 12 step, Al-Anon, co-dependency, hope, recovery
By My3Sunz on August 24, 2012
For a mother in a recovery program for co-dependency, sometimes unconscious triggers for relapse happen by outside influences to close to my heart. The ultimate one for me came when my sons’ girlfriend announced she was going to have his baby. My thinking went immediately to the bleak future. My thinking said I should be involved – they are not capable of raising a child! These projections were a result of my fears and rewarded as “mother knows best” as I took control and became in charge.
Back in my disease, hard lessons were soon to come to my way. I could no more control the “mother” of my future grandchild any more than I could control addiction. I am powerless! I had choices: to participate in the agony of involvement – or, to release myself from the crazy behavior emanating from the source and feeding my fears. Choosing option 1, involvement to the max, I became troubled by the deception and lies. And I kept wondering why I dismissed signs that something was amiss.
Thank goodness I was not alone – with the help of my 12-Step program, talking with my sponsor and others, I was able to discern what I had control over and what reality was. And I even got lessons from my Higher Power to help me Let Go of the future and be present in the here and now.
Ultimately, I was able to accept and let her go. There wasn’t going to be a grandchild and possibly never was – to this day I do not know the truth about that and that’s OK too. All I know is when I detach the better I am. I can accept the disease but I don’t have to participate – in fact, keeping a healthy distance from my loved ones has proven to be the best countermeasure for all my troubles.
Posted in 12 Step Program, Addiction, Co-dependency, Control, Fear, Higher Power, Letting Go, My 3 Sunz, Powerless, Recovery, Relapse, Sponsor Tagged 12 step, co-dependency, Fear, higher power, recovery
By My3Sunz on July 17, 2012
If you are like me, you grew up with a sense of duty and obligation to answer the telephone if it is ringing. It’s just not polite to ignore the incoming call! Over time, the phone became my life line to family members, employers, banks, or just shooting the breeze with a good friend. Then, with the advent of the voice mail and growth in technology, I could still get the news if I missed the call. I remember how great it was to be able to “phone home” and retrieve voice mail! The cell phone made it even better, taking care of business and personal outreach while away from the house.
In my home, the family disease of alcoholism and addiction progressed and transformed my telephone from a necessity of convenience to a powerful stress-inducing-power-booster to the agony of involvement. I wasn’t even aware of it. In recovery, I had to revisit who’s in charge and has control at my house: the telephone or me! This is an example of counter intuitive recovery training through a 12 Step Program – the telephone no longer is a luxury for living, for me it has morphed into an archenemy. Strategically placed in many rooms of the house, it often brings bad news. The ring alone induces anxiety – who knew? I got some tips along the way:
1. Don’t answer the telephone just because it’s ringing or vibrating. You have the power to decide if and when you want to be disrupted by a caller (most people leave voice mail if it’s important)
2. If it’s someone with a crisis, I don’t have to commit to anything without waiting a day or two. I do better if I buy some time before I react because I tend to want to help you with anything.
3. Stop dialing for pain – calling them just to “hear their voice” because I was worried may sound like a good idea, but 9 times out of 10, I regretted it.
4. Unplug the phone at night (worried about an elderly parent? Ask a sibling, neighbor, close friend to be on night call). Truth is, without sleep, I’m no good for anyone.
5. Revisit that answering machine. My cell phone is the “call to” number for family and friends. Who’s leaving voice mail on my house phone? Creditors, bail bonds, Global Tel-link, Politicians, marketing solicitations, strangers – no one for me. Sometimes I employ #1 above and in so doing, I get to hear them leave the message and then I have to re-play the message (hearing it yet again) before I can delete the message! Double the pleasure if you are into pain. See #3 above!
6. Do I really need a telephone at all? I’m not just “dialing for pain” – I’m paying for pain once a month! Note to self: Re-visit the telephone!
Posted in 12 Step Program, Addiction, alcoholism, Co-dependency, Control, Family Disease, home, My 3 Sunz, Serenity, Worry Tagged 12 step, addiction, alcoholism, co-dependency, drug addiction, family disease, recovery, serenity, Worry
By My3Sunz on June 29, 2012
When my son entered a 12-Step rehabilitation program after 19 months of using, I was naively thinking 30 days and he’d be back to normal. There was just no way he would use again, it was such a waste of his young years, and surely he saw this. Well, not only did he relapse WHILE in rehab, he subsequently relapsed many times over. I heard others say that with recovery comes relapse. This helped me accept unfavorable outcomes and not be so disappointed, angry or resentful. Later someone shared that relapse expectations can be dangerous and that perhaps I should not expect it or justify it. Think about the addict who may rationalize as do I: “Craig has relapsed a bunch of times before he made it, so what if I have a drink or two.”
What is minimized is that the last time Sabrina relapsed, she went into a coma and never came back; the last time James relapsed, his drug induced high for 3 days left a trail of armed robbery and arrest. The last time Joe relapsed, he hit a pedestrian while driving under the influence, and Sally? She nearly died from insulin shock, no longer in touch with her blood sugar monitoring.
Having this brought to my attention changed my behavior and attitude towards expecting relapse. Addiction is a deadly serious disease and any attempts to smooth things over, allow or assist the addict to justify relapse while in my sphere of influence cannot be tolerated. I will not expect it, but I can learn to accept it. And with love and prayer, a program of recovery from co-dependency, I have faith that a Power, greater than me, will guide us all toward a program of recovery.
Posted in 12 Step Program, Addiction, Attitude, Co-dependency, Faith, My 3 Sunz, Rehabilitation, Relapse Tagged 12 step, addiction, chemical dependency, co-dependency, higher power, hope, recovery, rehabilitation, resentment
Follow Us!
Follow Us!