I’m so proud that today’s parents, when concerned about their child’s substance abuse, have courage to take action and start early intervention. I don’t know if I could have done this myself given the strong sense of denial I was in. But then again, the drug epidemic we have today was not publicized when my kids were in their teens. Had there been a documentary like Pathway to Prevention’sCollision Course, Teen Addiction Epidemic, maybe I would have been paying attention more.
I recently heard some heartfelt testimonials at a fundraiser event for an adolescent treatment center. To witness recovery through individual achievements as was presented at the event was truly miraculous. How wonderful this community has options for parents who seek help for their children and family. And the bright future for these young people brought tears to my eyes.
Recovery takes dedicated team work and money to support its professionals, operating and infrastructure costs to that end. Generous donations, sponsors and private funding as well as volunteers in service by individuals continue to be the backbone of many non-profits. Now that we have more places that offer treatment, how much is this going to cost? Parents are often shocked at the costs associated with recovery treatment. As noted by Dad on Fire, in his blog post “Insurance Woes for Addiction treatment”, it seems “there isn’t a shortage of treatment centers but a shortage of dollars to provide for the care.”
One thing is certain: left untreated, addiction costs are far more costly and damaging than any prevention measure. Every little bit we can do on education, prevention and treatment will make a difference, because early intervention really does help.
It’s been said when a child is born, so is a mother. There’s no denying the special bond between mother and child and it’s that very bond that contributes to unhealthy parenting in extreme circumstances. Drug & alcohol addiction of a child, at any age, is an extreme circumstance. Even Betty Ford, the pioneer in helping America understand alcoholism, did not want to accept her son’s alcoholism when he announced his concern to her. In his short eulogy, he recalled her shaking her head emphatically saying “no, you can’t be that!” – He said (and I’m paraphrasing) “mom, you of all people should know that this can happen to anyone…you have got to get out of denial! You are the poster child of alcohol and addiction rehabilitation… you are … Betty Ford!!” Is it any wonder that mothers of addicts have a struggle unique from this parent/child bond?
As a responsible parent, I sought out the right school for my kids, researched the right food for our healthy table, and found the right physicians for our family. But the right rehab? Dr. Spock clearly omitted that critical chapter from his parenting books. Where do I even begin with that due diligence under the pressure of an imploding family?
In shock, I was ill equipped to tackle the task at hand and didn’t even know what to look for. Should I look for something local, or would it be better for my son to leave his local triggers behind? Did I even want him nearby or would it be better for all of us if he was far, far away? Should I seek a religious program or a 12-step program…and what is a 12-step program, anyway? Residential or outpatient treatment? Co-ed or not? And how do I even know if a rehab is safe and good? And, by the way, how do we pay for rehab, and how long is it supposed to last, anyway?
Even if I could figure out what I was looking for, I didn’t know where to find it. After searching the internet and coming up dry, in desperation I called a spiritual store I had wandered into several months earlier. The proprietor pointed me towards a rehab where my son began to build the foundation for his recovery. I still think of that referral as a divine intervention.
With chemical dependency, there are more questions than answers. I know that other parents continue to struggle with the fundamental question: which rehab is right for my child? I hope that readers of today’s blog will comment and share your insight about the rehab that you selected for your child.
Cameron Douglas, son of actor Michael Douglas, is serving an extended sentence for drug distribution and heroin possession. He is 33 years old and began injecting heroin daily in his mid 20s. He has not received treatment in prison, and according to this NY Times Article on 5/21/12, “is a textbook example of someone suffering from untreated opioid dependence [for whom] more prison time would do nothing to solve his underlying problems.”
Treating any illness or disease with punishment is not the answer. Sure there are plenty of examples where drug dealers should be in prison. Especially when violence is involved. Still, if someone turns to violence or drug dealing or prostitution to feed an addiction there should be medical treatment as part of their reform.
The State of California spent a lot of time and money to change their name from “The California Department of Corrections” to add ” . . and Rehabilitation” to the end. It appears that all they did was change the name. What changed behind the walls?
The State Prison Corcoran is supposed to work with substance abuse treatment, but it would appear that the availability of this is spotty and the success of these programs is uncertain. Opportunities for rehabilitation are primarily voluntary programs the prisoners can choose to join.
From what I hear, getting drugs in prison is easier than getting a steak. The Times article about Douglas explained that Douglas got his incarceration duration extended because people inside the prison supplied him drugs and he was caught with them. Heroin. Suboxone.
Addicts have an illness and to put things in perspective, think about what a cancer patient might do to obtain life saving drugs if they were denied. Would you sell your body to survive? When someone is deeply addicted, they have lost control of the ability to “just say no” and all you need to do is watch the withdrawal video of my son to understand that the drug addiction is controlling the body.
No addict ever said, “Hey, I’ll smoke that joint; snort that line; or take that pill and if I’m really good at it I’ll be addicted and robbing a liquor store within the year.”
These people have a medical condition that is being ignored, and this is what has motivated a group of physicians to file a brief on behalf of Douglas.
Prison systems could cut costs dramatically and reduce the rate of return offenders if they took the word “Rehabilitation” seriously and segregated addicts into treatment centers that were secure without the need to put them in the general population of murderers and rapists.
Rehabilitate or Incarcerate? Perhaps a combination of both for addicts who have broken the law is the answer because either we treat the wound or we pour salt in it.
This post was reprinted with permission from Bradley V. DeHaven, author and activist on the epidemic abuse of prescription drugs. Mr. DeHaven contributes heartfelt experience strength and hope as a Parent Pathway expert.
Whenever I ask myself why I still commit so much time to my own recovery program, recovery from the “FAMILY DISEASE” ( and It’s when I’m questioning the validity…”do I really need to go?”) – I need only think about what got me there in the first place. What got me there was my own thinking, and left to my own devices I can get myself triangulated in the most ridiculous situations. My involvement in my sons’ adult lives became too much for me. Here’s the irony: It’s hard enough taking care of me, but somehow I felt I could take care of them better than they could. (Never mind the high blood pressure, smoking, teeth grinding, and ulcers-on-skin problems I was enduring and ignoring) This is what co-dependency can look like left to my own devices. Fortunately, I’m getting better at rebounding after relapsing. Case in point: a while back, I got a phone call from a parole agent looking for my son who went MIA. I could have answered the question “have you heard from him?” with a complete sentence, “No.” (No is a complete sentence in my recovery program). Instead, I chose to have a conversation with the authority figure and before the end of it, I’m giving him my cell number (after he gave me his) – in case either of us got “word.” Why? Because I’m in control! NOT. Even as I write, I’m laughing out loud at myself – I clearly took someone else’s business and made it mine. A couple of weeks later my cell rings. Fortunately, I keyed in his name and seeing it I purposely did not to answer the phone! Another tool in recovery – I don’t have to answer every call that comes my way. This is the parole agent’s voice mail. “Hi, it’s me, Agent so and so, I’m just checking in.” Imagine that! NOW I HAVE A PAROLE AGENT CHECKING IN ON ME! Insanity. My part. I keep going to my Al-Anon Meetings.
When my son entered a 12-Step rehabilitation program after 19 months of using, I was naively thinking 30 days and he’d be back to normal. There was just no way he would use again, it was such a waste of his young years, and surely he saw this. Well, not only did he relapse WHILE in rehab, he subsequently relapsed many times over. I heard others say that with recovery comes relapse. This helped me accept unfavorable outcomes and not be so disappointed, angry or resentful. Later someone shared that relapse expectations can be dangerous and that perhaps I should not expect it or justify it. Think about the addict who may rationalize as do I: “Craig has relapsed a bunch of times before he made it, so what if I have a drink or two.”
What is minimized is that the last time Sabrina relapsed, she went into a coma and never came back; the last time James relapsed, his drug induced high for 3 days left a trail of armed robbery and arrest. The last time Joe relapsed, he hit a pedestrian while driving under the influence, and Sally? She nearly died from insulin shock, no longer in touch with her blood sugar monitoring.
Having this brought to my attention changed my behavior and attitude towards expecting relapse. Addiction is a deadly serious disease and any attempts to smooth things over, allow or assist the addict to justify relapse while in my sphere of influence cannot be tolerated. I will not expect it, but I can learn to accept it. And with love and prayer, a program of recovery from co-dependency, I have faith that a Power, greater than me, will guide us all toward a program of recovery.
I sometimes ponder how quickly my fear and sadness of having a child with a drug problem resulted in my own physical issues: The teeth grinding at night, hair loss, weight gain, and high blood pressure to name a few. Initially, throwing quick fixes to the symptoms has had high costs: dental work, medical bills and revenue recovery.
With righteous indignation, I had plenty of excuses. If you walked in my shoes, you might understand why. It was easy to blame THEM for what THEY were putting me through. To add insult to injury, the disease of addiction and alcoholism were also affecting my immediate family and I resented that too.
But further contemplation while working the 12 steps of Al-Anon has shown me that I am better off doing a self-examination of myself, my motives and reasons. I had to relearn how to take ownership of my own actions and quit already with the excuses.
My attitude, if left unchecked, models the addict/alcoholic. I can easily blame others and have a distorted view on life. When I take the focus off THEM and work my own program of recovery, I am given gifts beyond measure. Here, true rehabilitation begins at the root cause – ME. I am able to deflect and change the course of how I feel both emotionally and physically.
I discovered in my program of recovery that when I keep the focus on where it should be – me, I’m a better mother, parent, wife, daughter, aunt, friend and so on. Before rehabilitation, my thoughts and actions were predicated on how my loved ones were doing. If they were struggling, I struggled to rescue and offer unsolicited advice. Alcohol and drug addiction is a progressive disease. Problems would and did escalate. If they did not listen to my advice, I tried harder and harder – as if this was a hearing problem. In my 12-Step program, I learned about the family disease which helped me understand the only control I had was to make a commitment to change what I was doing. This change would be monumental but only took willingness on my part.
Positive results crystalized in Step 4. Step 4 is about taking a complete moral inventory of me. I was accustomed to taking their inventory and uncomfortable about taking my own. Once I started, I realized how much I had to learn about me. At the same time I was beginning to understand why boundaries were so important. Without boundaries, I was being dragged into the drama – a side effect of drug problems. There was a time I did not know where I ended and they began – it was all inter-meshed. The fear for them was beyond words and my response to it was not always kind or respectful. Understanding me; why I act the way I do, why certain things upset me, why I get fearful and fretful helped me break away from old habits and beliefs. I could begin to employ boundaries that were backed up with sense and reason versus fear and meaningless threats. In the process there was the realization that no one would change because I wanted them to. My inventory helped me realize how I was powerless over IT, but not helpless over myself and my relationships.
Life experience is interesting. Maya Angelou is quoted as saying “While I know myself as a creation of God, I am also obligated to realize and remember that everyone else and everything else are also God’s creation.” Today, I see things differently – as if I’ve been given new pair of glasses that help me view events from that perspective.
Lately, the news has been on my radar, singling out individuals for ridicule or disdain. Two incidents come to mind. First, the tanorexic mom whose picture and profile was posted in everyone’s view. At first, I thought oh my gosh – what is she thinking? Then I realized, this a person with an addiction who might be better served with love and compassion. Maybe there is help in some form of rehabilitation – she may not want it though, and that’s her choice. Next a police officer was in the spotlight for re-filling and keeping prescription pills from an elderly friend – a police officer no less! I see it as the pervasive nature of the drug epidemic – there is no segregation, and it’s that serious. Police officers are people too and can be victims of the prescription drug epidemic like everyone else, equal opportunity! Why shame and stigma?
I hope I can be the open minded person with empathy and compassion versus the judgmental opinionated person the news media targets. It just feels better! My recovery has helped with this and when I know better I can do better. I am a mere mortal so I have to make a conscious effort to adorn my new glasses every day.
“We have met the enemy, and it is us” rings so true for us co-dependents. In our heart of hearts, we know that things will remain broken unless something changes radically, but it often takes the proverbial “straw that breaks the camel’s back” to make us alter our ways.
The final straw could be another DUI or a lost job or stolen jewelry or holes smashed in the sheetrock or even something as innocent as a straw from the kitchen drawer…dusted with cocaine. The possibilities are endless.
The proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back can take many shapes, but there is one constant: this is the event or the transgression or the heartbreak that causes us to raise our hands and cry “No more!” We are not raising our hands in surrender; instead, we are raising our hands with the powerful intention of change.
What things can change when we reach that point of “No more?” We might stop paying our kids’ bills or covering for them when they miss work, or fixing their broken cars, or doing their laundry. We might stop doing whatever we did that made them easy to keep drinking or drugging. We might start doing things that will require accountability and responsibility. It is amazing how teens might change when the car disappears, the money spigot is shut off, or they have to fix their own mistakes.
That tiny, final straw can be surprisingly powerful when it gives teen addicts a reason to seek rehabilitation.
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I’m so proud that today’s parents, when concerned about their child’s substance abuse, have courage to take action and start early intervention. I don’t know if I could have done this myself given the strong sense of denial I was in. But then again, the drug epidemic we have today was not publicized when my kids were in their teens. Had there been a documentary like Pathway to Prevention’s Collision Course, Teen Addiction Epidemic, maybe I would have been paying attention more.
parent, I sought out the right school for my kids, researched the right food for our healthy table, and found the right physicians for our family. But the right rehab? Dr. Spock clearly omitted that critical chapter from his parenting books. Where do I even begin with that due diligence under the pressure of an imploding family?
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