By My3Sunz on May 24, 2013
I’m one of those people who struggle with remembering names. I learned in a sales class that using an association with the name helps in recall. For example, I’m introduced to Betty. She has dark, jet black/blue hair. I think of Archie Comic Books, Veronica & Betty. Betty has Veronica’s hair! This amount of time devoted to remembering Betty has only been a few seconds but is somehow lodged in my brain to not forget Jet Black/Blue Hair Betty.
Association comes in handy on other areas of my life, especially when my fears and concerns about my adult children take over my thoughts. These thoughts tend to be negative and are always masked under the cloak of good mothering. I will forget all that I’ve learned about my stinking thinking. I find myself worrying and wondering if he is cold, alone, hungry, hurt and a host of other terrible things. And to add injury, I’ll invite responses to vindicate my negative concerns. I may resort to rescuing and have completely relapsed into codependency. Such behavior is odd when seen from the outside, but for those of us who have a child struggle in addiction or alcoholism; this is how we roll. And it is here I’m triggered to ask myself if I’m doing anyone any good, especially for myself. I’m acting out of self preservation from fear, not the supportive and accepting, loving mother I strive to be. What am I forgetting?
Mothering rhymes with smothering.
My fears and worries turn mothering into smothering. I don’t want to suffocate anyone. I’m not proud to add guilt to someone’s low self esteem and today I have tools to help me navigate out of my own stinking thinking.
Posted in Addiction, alcoholism, Co-dependency, Fear, My 3 Sunz, Relapse, rescue, Worry Tagged addiction, Fear, help with co-dependency, Stinking Thinking, Worry
By My3Sunz on March 26, 2013
I had heard in recovery rooms that when I take responsibility for my loved ones, I am robbing them of the dignity they deserve to experience life on their own. When I continue to harp, beg, plea, judge or offer advice, I’m ultimately in their business, trying to force solutions and eventually will lose their respect. Worse, I could be adding to the bad opinion they already have about themselves.
This is not the mother I wanted to be! How could I be concerned but not consumed? How was it possible to love them unconditionally when my fear for their life was at stake? I was so obsessed with their problems, thinking I knew the answer; I would bring home pamphlets from on Alcoholics Anonymous and leave the literature scattered around the house in hopes they would pick it up and see the light! That never worked either.
After being in Al-Anon for a while, I eventually learned tools to keep the focus on me and stay out of their business. Slowly I began to see results. One example I still remember to this day was when my son called and asked if he could come over for dinner and “talk.” Many recent events had happened that were concerning – I was well aware of where he was: jobless, homeless and alone. I was a little apprehensive, wondering what news he would bring this time. After a nice dinner with general conversation, he shared that he thought he might have a drinking problem. Oddly, I was elated to hear him admit a problem. There were 3 things I was able to do that day that made me proud of my program. I said “oh” which helped me compose my thoughts before blurting out something hurtful or unnecessary. The next thing out of my mouth was that I did not know if he was an alcoholic or not but that there were people who could help him learn about it and that I might still have their pamphlet. (I prayed I still had all the literature long put away). When he was getting ready to leave and I had no idea where he was staying (in his car?) I let him know how much I loved him and that I hoped to see him soon.
The most important lesson for me was that by being non-judgmental, not pretending to know the answer, and further, not turning his confidence into a nagging session, I was able to be the mother I want to always be: RESPECTFUL, CARING, and LOVING. I helped where I could then I allowed him to decide what he would do with it. Then I turned it over to my Higher Power, as I placed my son’s name into my God Box later that night. This released me from obsessive thoughts of worry that before had consumed me.
Posted in alcoholism, Fear, Higher Power, judgement, My 3 Sunz, Worry Tagged Al-Anon, Fear, higher power, Respect, Worry
By Eliza on September 1, 2012
The squirrel in my brain can be prodded into action by many triggers: an unreturned phone call from my son, a mammogram that calls for additional imaging, even a sideways glance from my husband. What’s happening? How bad is it? What do I need to do to make it better? What do we do if this happens, or if that happens…or…or….or. The squirrel in my brain races on.
But now, thanks to the guerilla training I got in the war zone of addiction, I’m learning to redirect myself when my mind spirals into unnecessary worry. In The Power of Now*, Eckhart Tolle explains how we can choose to create our own pain, or conversely, can manifest our ability to live pain-free by living fully in the present.
When I find myself worrying, I am learning to take note of what I know to be true at that exact moment. For example, I know that I am a concerned mom, but I do not know for a fact that my son is in trouble. The mere speculation that he might be in trouble creates the pain that I feel. And at the end of the day, that speculation is purposeless. My incessant fretting about my son had no impact whatsoever on his behavior and choices—good or bad. Maybe he is in trouble, maybe not—but I guarantee that the sleep I lost did not impact the outcome in any way.
I’ve cloistered myself away in a dark place so many times while my son was frolicking with sober friends, playing disc golf in the sunshine. Yes, there were times when my worst fears came true, but they would have come true whether I anguished over them or not.
So here is the gift I got from addiction: I understand that worry is a choice. When I permit the marauder squirrel to tear through my brain, I blind myself to the joy and beauty around me at this moment. I miss out on the laughter, the friendship, and the little joys in life. Understanding that I don’t call the shots and relinquishing my fictitious grasp on outcomes saves me from the bottomless pit of fear and rumination.
Posted in Attitude, Detachment, Eliza, Worry Tagged acceptance, addiction, Fear, Worry
By My3Sunz on August 31, 2012
There was a time when my day’s outcome, good or bad, depended on how my sons were doing. As I drove home from work, I’d come around the bend and the voices in my head would shift from obsessive work related issues to my family’s situation. I’d start guessing about the daily drama, possible outcomes, and strategies I must take. I usually had a feeling of dread and impending doom – if they were doing well, I’d find temporary relief. If they were not doing well, my feelings of resentment and constant worry would take center stage. Then, in preparation for a good nights’ sleep, the gears in my mind would churn great sadness and an overwhelming desire to go back in time and change the course of the future. If only I had done something sooner, if only I had changed schools, if only I had …I was possessed by the loud click-clack-clang in my head!
Today I no longer dwell on would haves or could haves. I have freedom from compulsive thoughts of possible outcomes dreamt up in my head. One thing is certain, all that mindless matter never helped and mostly it hurt. When I accepted that I did not cause the disease of addiction, I could not control it, and I could not cure it – those feelings became false and the thoughts began to dissipate. There is something to be said about embracing each day and staying in the present. Today, I do not have to project about tomorrow or next week. Today, I do not have to re-live days gone by, or wish them different. I work on what’s in front of me today, one day at a time, and it quiets my thoughts. My day’s outcome, good or bad depends on me. I can choose my attitude - do I want click-clack-clang or a well lubricated mechanism driving my thoughts?
Posted in Addiction, Attitude, Co-dependency, Control, My 3 Sunz, Resentment, Worry Tagged attitude, co-dependency, resentment, Worry
By My3Sunz on August 28, 2012
This was a directive to my son (who paid no attention to my threats). He was in his disease. He’d leave my house in a huff and go directly to Grandma’s house to swoon her over. Things changed drastically, and fast. It wasn’t long before I had grandma complaining to me about the lack of follow-through with my son. I would get the calls, inquires, concerns and complaints – as if I was the “Agent” representing and responsible to the community at large. I took on this obligation because I believed it too, but I was getting resentful. All I wished was that he’d stay away from Grandma because of how it was affecting me and the worry of her well being. Time would reveal the progressive nature of addiction and how the family dynamics would get further strained – a symptom unique to addiction I subsequently learned. Turns out I’m not the only co-dependent!
- Parents: He’s got a drug problem and won’t go to rehab, we are learning more about addiction.
- Grandma: He’s a good boy, “Once he starts working …”
- Parents: We are not going to buy him another car, he isn’t insurable.
- Grandma: I co-signed; I knew you would help with payments…
- Parents: He cannot live in our house, he’s untrustworthy. We believe he has to experience discomfort before he will choose another way.
- Grandma: He’s temporarily living in my home – we discussed my terms and it’s under control.
- Parents: We’re concerned for grandma – she has opened her door and won’t listen to any reasoning!
- Grandma: I can’t turn my back on him and THROW them to the streets!
After bringing Grandma to a few counseling sessions and I witnessed her sentiment I had once felt: Counseling is not giving me the answers I want to hear on how to fix him; therefore, this is a waste of time. I didn’t stop searching for answers. Desperation forced me to find further support and I landed in the Al-Anon Family Group. This is where I learned that I would have to employ boundaries in all my life’s affairs. I learned I could not control my son, his girlfriend, his grandmother, his landlord, his employer… any of THEM. I had choices, and being triangulated was something within my own ability to take control of if I wanted relief and serenity in my life. I found other grandparents in my support group that helped me understand their point of view. I learned compassion and understanding that this disease branches through the family tree, everyone is affected. I learned that the ones I love must decide for themselves, if they want to change, I can’t decide for them.
Posted in Addiction, Al-Anon, Boundaries, Change, Co-dependency, Control, Desperation, Family Disease, home, Love, My 3 Sunz, Relationships, Serenity, Worry Tagged addiction, Al-Anon, boundaries, change, co-dependency, family disease, Worry
By My3Sunz on July 20, 2012
It all starts with a thought. The thought creates a feeling. Feelings are not necessarily factual. For example, if I say to myself, “Tonight, I’m going to go out for dinner,” I begin to feel hungry and excited that I will get to be served with a meal that I really enjoy. My feelings change physiological conditions in my body. Maybe I begin to wear the Cheshire grin in anticipation or I might even be emitting endorphins, those “feel good” brain chemicals which in turn flood my veins resulting in a natural high. But the truth is, I might not be going out to dinner at all! It’s just a thought!
Loving someone whose substance abuse has led to terrible consequences resulted in a problem for me with regards to my thinking. My thoughts turned from optimistic to obsessive thinking about them. Eventually I began to be pessimistic about everything. I became overtaken by the gloom and doom that drug abuse causes. This is called the family disease of addiction. These negative thoughts also impact my feelings. I’m worried, sad, fearful and anxious. With these kinds of feelings, my body takes on a dangerous reaction: high blood pressure, weight gain, blood sugar peaks, teeth grinding. My sleep was fitful and my ability to concentrate at work became problematic.
I found out this kind of circuitry can be interrupted with the power of my mind. I can choose to find help to get the tools necessary to regain control of my own thoughts! I also can choose to do nothing. The difference between these two statements: “Things upset me” versus “I upset me” are the most powerful thoughts to which my life goes one way or the other.
Posted in Family Disease, Fear, Love, My 3 Sunz, Worry Tagged Fear, substance abuse, Worry
By My3Sunz on July 17, 2012
If you are like me, you grew up with a sense of duty and obligation to answer the telephone if it is ringing. It’s just not polite to ignore the incoming call! Over time, the phone became my life line to family members, employers, banks, or just shooting the breeze with a good friend. Then, with the advent of the voice mail and growth in technology, I could still get the news if I missed the call. I remember how great it was to be able to “phone home” and retrieve voice mail! The cell phone made it even better, taking care of business and personal outreach while away from the house.
In my home, the family disease of alcoholism and addiction progressed and transformed my telephone from a necessity of convenience to a powerful stress-inducing-power-booster to the agony of involvement. I wasn’t even aware of it. In recovery, I had to revisit who’s in charge and has control at my house: the telephone or me! This is an example of counter intuitive recovery training through a 12 Step Program – the telephone no longer is a luxury for living, for me it has morphed into an archenemy. Strategically placed in many rooms of the house, it often brings bad news. The ring alone induces anxiety – who knew? I got some tips along the way:
1. Don’t answer the telephone just because it’s ringing or vibrating. You have the power to decide if and when you want to be disrupted by a caller (most people leave voice mail if it’s important)
2. If it’s someone with a crisis, I don’t have to commit to anything without waiting a day or two. I do better if I buy some time before I react because I tend to want to help you with anything.
3. Stop dialing for pain – calling them just to “hear their voice” because I was worried may sound like a good idea, but 9 times out of 10, I regretted it.
4. Unplug the phone at night (worried about an elderly parent? Ask a sibling, neighbor, close friend to be on night call). Truth is, without sleep, I’m no good for anyone.
5. Revisit that answering machine. My cell phone is the “call to” number for family and friends. Who’s leaving voice mail on my house phone? Creditors, bail bonds, Global Tel-link, Politicians, marketing solicitations, strangers – no one for me. Sometimes I employ #1 above and in so doing, I get to hear them leave the message and then I have to re-play the message (hearing it yet again) before I can delete the message! Double the pleasure if you are into pain. See #3 above!
6. Do I really need a telephone at all? I’m not just “dialing for pain” – I’m paying for pain once a month! Note to self: Re-visit the telephone!
Posted in 12 Step Program, Addiction, alcoholism, Co-dependency, Control, Family Disease, home, My 3 Sunz, Serenity, Worry Tagged 12 step, addiction, alcoholism, co-dependency, drug addiction, family disease, recovery, serenity, Worry
By My3Sunz on July 13, 2012
The Partnership at Drug Free.org launched the “You are Not Alone” campaign a while back. This is an amazing website devoted to support the people who know & love the drug addict. It’s also a good introduction to the concept of the family disease explaining why 85 million people in the United States alone are impacted by drug addiction in some way. This refers to people like me, the parents, the siblings, other relatives, caregivers, and friends. We are the ones anxious, worried, depressed, stressed, and in many cases, financially drained from trying to help the addict. We lose all sense of hope.
I can remember the difficulty in finding help –my shame and the stigma of my circumstance kept me isolated and I was driven to fix the problem by myself. Once I found support, I soon discovered there were many people just like me in the same situation. I was never alone in this battle like I thought. There is help, and the sooner I stopped blaming myself or wishing the problem would go away, the quicker I found solutions. I soon let go of guilt: I did not cause it to happen, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it. But I can get armed with tools to work through it and start feeling better.
Great resources, such as The Partnership at DrugFree.Org. You can go on line, over the phone and into your community – there are many options: 12 step recovery programs, counseling or parent groups, and individual professional help – Take care of yourself!
Posted in 12 Step Program, Addiction, Family Disease, Guilt, Hope, My 3 Sunz, Recovery, shame and stigma, Stress, Worry Tagged drug addiction, family disease, hope, recovery, Worry
By My3Sunz on June 26, 2012
There was a time I used the siblings to debrief my anguish and worry about the other “one” – the child whose absence or drama was taking center stage and getting my full attention. Unaware of how damaging this would be to the remaining family members, I did this for a long time. The realization that my actions might have contributed to a form of suffering on them was a hard nut to swallow. I had to learn it the hard way; it seems to be a recurring theme for me. I first pondered the notion when listening to Alateens share their hurt, abandonment and other issues they kept to themselves while watching mom or dad get progressively worse in their futile attempts to straighten up the “affected” one’s life. I’d hear how some would become overly protective and sometimes take the role of caretaker, worried about the troubled sibling. Some would get resentful about all the attention given to the other. The entanglement of the family disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. To the “normal” sibling, the desire for mom and dad to get happy again would become their focus. So, in a sense, young co-dependents were forming as the family disease reached epidemic proportions. I wondered which role my children fell into.
Becoming aware didn’t actually help me with how to do better…the Al-Anon Family Group and 12 step recovery program was my road map for change. I had to start over with training wheels, in a sense, beginning with me and my contributions to the family disease. It began with accepting I had problems of my own to work on. The hope for me was that I could mend broken relations with all those who mattered in my life.
Today, with guarded mouth and awareness of the family disease, I try to keep the focus and be present with those who stand before me. I no longer ask prying questions about the “other” one whose lifestyle is concerning. I consciously choose to seize those opportunities with gratitude to be allowed the accompaniment of their presence. Most critically, I get to be PRESENT with no conditions and that is my GIFT to them.
Posted in 12 Step Recovery Program, acceptance, Al-Anon, Co-dependency, Family Disease, Focus, Gratitude, Hope, My 3 Sunz, Recovery, Worry Tagged Al-Anon, change, co-dependency, family disease, gratitude, hope, recovery, Worry
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